The Emptiness of the Void

Some things in our lives become such a big part of what we do, that they become incorporated into who we are.  The time comes when one cannot tell where they begin and the thing that they became so fixated on ends.  So often these things are negative things which account for the empty space in our lives in which we try to hide from others.  This empty space, this void that we end up feeling that can only be filled by this one fixation, which in turn becomes a self sustaining emptiness in our souls.  Whether it is a relationship we know is no good for us, substance abuse, eating disorder, pornography addiction, or even overusing different forms of entertainment.  These types of fixations become personal sink holes, and the more effort and of your heart your put into them the more you sink into the mess which surrounds you. The longer you do them the more you begin to realize that they are ruining your life.  If we look at the music video posted above we see this same thing illustrated quite beautifully, at the beginning he is just an individual and at the end he becomes part of the thing which he is fixated on.
When we begin to try to change or get rid of these things from our lives it is like performing an surgery and cutting a tumor from muscles, after your done there is an empty unusable space which causes you pain.  Through much pain and toil the muscle will grow in and eventually heal, however your will always be left with the scar of your past, to remind you of that pain.  As in the music video at the end the girl is slowly unincorporated from the work of art, there will be a hole left behind from where she is, that space can be filled though work and determination.  Then as in the song they or it will be just "somebody(or something) that we used to know".  These holes in our very being once filled in can become something we lean on when life begins to get hard once again, and instead of empty space left in our lives and souls can feel whole.

A Cycle Uninterrupted

To quote Newtons laws of motion an object in motion will remain in motion until acted upon, or an object at rest will remain at rest until acted on by another force.  Lately I have been really feeling as if I am caught in a cycle in which there is no end unless it be the ending of my life.  I feel trapped inside myself with no outside force at work in helping me be released from the cycle.  Trapped inside the social function of a world that neither values or appreciates what I have to offer it.  Some times I think that I'd like to watch the world burn and myself along with it.  Maybe it is time for it to burn and be started over anew so all the social paradigms which trap and oppress what is truly important in this world can be returned to the proper place.  Digging deep within myself I know that the outside world doesn't matter as long as I have my personal center.  It is just hard living in a world where nearly everyone is looking for personal gain, where the media force feeds everyone their dogma of what is important and what is not, and where a man cannot provide for his own family using his skills because of all the outside forces at work in determining the worth of the mans work and life.
In a world with so many people seeking for so for something that only an elect few ever attain it is surprising to me that more people don't give up on this life, and often time sad existence.  The only solace I find myself having is that I am able to close my eyes and in so doing blow up all outside influences until only mine remain.  In doing that I again find my center, though my wants and desires are so suppressed in this world that I walk only the path that others have laid before me at least I can close my eyes until all else fades.

My Own Personal Worm Hole

Einstein theorized that a man could travel faster than the speed of light to get people to places nearly instantaneously.  My Astronomy professor illustrated this point by taking a sheet of paper and saying that to travel the distance of the sheet of paper one must travel the full distance which is there.  There is a loop hole in that however if one could theoretically fold that distance and make the one point on the paper touch the other point thus bending the distance onto itself making the distance virtually non-existent. For the sake of time we will not talk to much about how Albert Einstein said that threw this method one could theoretically travel faster than time itself  and the science behind it just know that it is based on some of the same principles.
To obtain this type of travel one would have to cause an explosion so powerful and fast that it literally tore the fabric of space and allowed one to move outside many of the elements of the natural laws that bind the earth.  This is basically what many people believe worm holes are, basically black holes (which are supposed to make matter collapsed into itself) but instead of collapsing towards the center of it like a black hole they collapse into another part of space.  This is because matter itself when collapsed in onto itself the whole universe must explode inward to fill the space that is left behind.  Matter itself once it has become matter cannot just cease to exist, therefore it then most with the same force of the earlier explosions fly through space much like what happens with a bubble blown out in the bottom of the ocean and which then zips to the surface,  I am a bit limited in my vocabulary to try and describe it but hopefully my illustrations have drawn a picture which somewhat illustrates this theory.
My point in bringing this up is two fold, one I find it fascinating and enjoy sitting and thinking about it at length, the other is that it is a solution for me, which I use when something is upsetting me. When something makes me angry I try to always jump to the end result and either resolve the problem or move on with my life.  I myself as quickly as I can try to deduce the logical progression that everything will take and take myself where I feel the situation will end up.  In a sense I make a wormhole for myself to jump though so I don't have to waste all that precious time and energy fighting against the natural progression of things.  This is something I have been trying for years to develop, and quite often after the first huge emotional surge instead of acting on the emotions and how I feel in that moment I find myself overly clear minded when something happens.  It is this strange skill which I have developed much without myself knowing that makes me great in the crisis and able to think analytically while others are dipping into their emotions. Much like the theory of wormholes it is hard to explain when you begin traveling great emotional distances in seemingly short amounts of time. 

The Love Hate Paradigm

Having spent endless hours studying the human mind I can tell you that one of the most telling things about us is found by asking a person or yourself two questions simple questions.  The first question one should ask being "What do you love?", and the next being "What do you hate?".  Though these question may be simple, have you ever asked yourself why you love certain things and why you hate others? This seemingly simple task becomes much more complex when you start getting down to the nitty-gritty of the answers of what specifically makes you like one thing while you hate something else.  These simple questions have very telling roots and are excellent tools for telling you what may drive or motivate an individual.  After some time doing this with different individuals you come to realize that what a person loves and hates mirrors deep inner motives which is the premise of the "Love Hate Paradigm".
To pull a page from my own book of life as an example you would find that I am someone who loves spending time by myself.  Then you must ask yourself questions like "why would someone like to spend time by themselves, alone doing things?" or "what does being alone give to someone that being around others doesn't?".  Once you dig deeper than the most obvious answers like maybe they're shy or introverted which is most often true. You would then get the "what does having other humans take away from an individual?", which you would gather after some thought that inanimate objects and solidarity gives and individual total control over situations, or in other words they are a control freak.  They enjoy spending time alone because when they are alone they can do and say what they want, and decide how to control their own environments. To show how hate mirrors something I love; One thing I detest is having to repeat myself multiple times when talking to someone else.  This is another thing that we can draw a few conclusions from and also see our first conclusion in a different and more complete light.  We again see another human element and something that limits the control of the individual in the situation, but also we can find clues to things they appreciate in another person.
From this form of logic or this way of thinking after examining a list of a persons loves and hates you can get to know them in a much deeper level.  It is however, as other things contingent on being able to draw applicable conclusions on the information which is given to you and tying them together until you see the larger picture as a whole.  If you know the individual well enough or are able to observe them (or yourself) you will see how these certain things will bleed into many different and variable sections of how they act in their lives.  This is also a good way to dig deeper into the puzzle that is yourself if you have a mind to. This is psychoanalysis in its most basic form, and I can tell you from experience there is no telling how deep down the rabbit hole a person can go with this kind of information.   The "Love Hate" paradigm is reflective of how the world works for what is darkness but the absence of its opposite, and what is love but the absence of its opposite.

Blowing off dust, and knocking off Rust

It is amazing in life how something that can be so important to you one minute is nothing but a book gathering dust on the shelf the next.  In my own life it is no different, I have wanted to write a novel since I was in high school which really hasn't changed however through my own insecurities and doubt I have yet to put my full effort into it, just doing a little here and a little there and sometimes I can go months in between doing it.  Also I was once a very proficient drawer, and in many other  different forms of art now that skill honestly hasn't even been used in years.  I still enjoy the thought of sitting down and drawing something but when I think of the patience that is involved and the need of focus and privacy (for me at least) I quickly turn down the notion.  Over time my skills in drawing have atrophied so bad that I don't even know if I can do those things I used to do anymore whether it be picking up a pencil and sketching to playing basketball.  The same rings true in my professional life I haven't had a job in a couple of years now, and when I go to look for a job I never even get a call back.  It has really shaken my confidence in my own abilities given every job I have had I have been advanced had good relationships with my bosses and yet I find myself questioning even that.
This has trickled even into my blogging I find myself wondering if I even have anything of use or worth to anyone else to write down without any confirmation of people reading it.  I know that the fish has to swim, and the bird has to fly, but life can be hard when you cannot figure out what do I have to do that noone else can deny? I know I have felt in my element doing things in the past but the only thing I am left with now is being a parent that I feel confident with. I find myself feeling like Tin man from wizard of Oz stuck in one place and unable to move with no answer or end in sight.
Where once I was shiny and beautiful and my movement was easy I traveled the world and saw many great forks in roads which could be taken, Now I am rusty and feel all void of movement as a rock I sit not able to see past the trees which surround me. What or when will it be that someone or something blows off the dust, and knocks off the rust on me? C.C.

Logically illogical

I have found myself a little at a loss lately not having anything of note going through my mind that needs to be commented on.  I was however revisiting in my mind the importance of original thoughts and dreams.  It is very interesting that in history nearly all great and impactful  discoveries have at first been an original thought or idea.  That is to say that not many which have been found that have truly changed peoples lives have been "Oops" moments in the field of science.   This is because Logic is often bound by laws and knowledge which we already have while ideas and dreams can start at the end product and need the Logic to fill in the gaps to make it possible.If life was filled only with logic we would be but computers making cold decisions based on statistics and animal needs not venturing from the form in which we are made.  For when Dreaming Dreams, the Dreamer Dreams of Dreaming of a Dream of which others can Dream.
When making or deciding on rules we would place bridles on our thoughts as having to follow the rules and any thoughts that aren't supported by these rules are considered silly or simple minded.  A Creator however is one who is able to take these rules and bend them towards his Dream making his dream possible. For instance we from a young age learn that man cannot walk to the window and jump out and fly to work every morning,  However the flight of a man is possible and has been achieved by bending logic to that purpose. The trick  is though not letting ones own logic get in the way of their pursuit of the Dream. It is logically illogical to think that all things that can be thought of are not possible because where one mans logic ends may be where one mans logic begins.

It's the Grind That Grinds Me

There is a saying that goes "The Wind Still Blows The Strongest Tree" which is one I never really understood until I became an adult.  As an intellectual it is very hard sometimes to bring yourself to do some of the smaller things in life, and I myself have found that these are the things that are difficult for me.  Where one person would just mindlessly go through the task having little thought or trouble with the simple things in life I have always struggled doing them.  It is not the bringing myself to do them that is the problem for me it is the fact that I always have to plan out everything in my mind before I do it and I will stress out about every little detail thinking about the millions of things that could go wrong, or in other words finding complexities where they don't really exist.  As funny as it may sound it is true I took larger amounts of time learning how to read and tie my shoes then other children because even then I was making things more complicated then they are.  I remember specifically with reading instead of looking at individual parts of how the word I would look at the shape of it and try to memorize the shape which made even the simplest words hard for me to get.  I remember "and" and "find" were two words that gave me trouble and I got stuck on and would have to spend the recesses inside trying to memorize by teachers decree.  I only found my stride once I grasped the concept behind what spelling and reading actually was it finally clicked and next thing I knew I was reading better than my classmates.
 It is this characteristic of mine that is both my biggest strength and weakness and has been the cause of much stress in my life.  It is for this that I would wish my mind on no-one because no child should have to analyze everything that is said to them, and map out conversations in there heads at night just to be able to talk to someone the next day. Which was one of the biggest reasons I never had many conversations with people of the opposite sex, its hard when everytime a girls flirts with you you don't catch on to it until your driving yourself home later that day.  I find myself wishing oftentimes that I could slow my brain down and just live a carefree life like others,  where things that deserve picking apart were picked apart, and where things that are suppose to be easy things that you do with no thought could be as well. I find it quite interesting to think of all these mental drawbacks I have and how interesting it would be to see the world through someone else drawbacks and how much that would alter ones life and their perception of it.One things for certain it would be easier not to be such a pessimist if my mind wouldn't pick apart everything that is ever said to me!

Rise Above This

"Rise Above This"

Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this