There comes a moment in your life where one feels they have traveled to the edge of their known universe. In scientific theory the universe is continually expanding and receding only to expand past its original limits and to recede to its previous limits in a series of explosions and and implosions. Our own personal universes don't seem to always replicate those found in nature for there comes times in life where you feel the once permeable surface of your divine potential feel as though they have solidified and your upward trending potential seems replaced by a ceiling or mantle in which one most fit their lives and dreams. At this point in your life you begin to see how finite your time on this planet will be and how your cannot achieve every goal or ambition you have in your life.
It is in these times that that old familiar call of depression calls me back along the known paths of life to see if their is anything I have missed along my journey thus making lose the scent of the new trail which leads forward. The crack or plant you have never noticed on the daily trips of your journey which focused on leads to a new understanding and wonder in a life stuck in ones known universe. Looking for an escape from this path I feel tethered too my universe begins to turn dark, and leads me to waiting to fall off my worlds edge. Will there be a new experience for me, a new feeling to define, a new thought to enlighten, or am I just to tread on paths which I have already tread experiencing things I have already experienced.
As an old European explorer is that where my map ends and there is nothing outside of that but to fall off the edge or to be gobbled up by the dragons and demons which keep any from progressing further than that point. What will be the explosion to jar these trapped universes free to expand and implode the change that a mind can match its wits with and grow all the more stronger. One thing is certain for me I will be looking for those new horizons or unexplored ends of the existing universe. Hopefully then the universe and existence decides to expand once again for me leaving cracks for some new dreams to seep through and save me from being left to my own devices
" One should never burn bridges they one day might need to cross over". If every action one performs can be an interpreted as a symbol of what they want or how they want to be perceived, what is the act of burning a bridge to be interpreted as? Symbolically and its use in the English language it draws on the burning of ones kingdoms route to another kingdom. Cutting off all forms of trade and diplomacy between them. In actual practice it is an act of vanity or maybe better described as one of pride, one individual decides that for whatever reason, or for whatever slight they will purposefully put that relationship to the flame. A strange practice in terms of active trade and barter reality the relationship was one at one point that worked well enough so that the two kingdoms or two parties set forth to build the bridge linking their kingdoms in the first place. For one to decide to do so (build the bridge) they must have decided their relationship was mutually beneficial enough for both parties to link their fates together. Then to later burn said relationship to the ground and sullying not just your trade agreements, but the memories of the individual and how they helped you in the past seems strange.
From a pure logic standpoint it seems counterproductive for one to burn a perfectly good bridge that they might someday find themselves needing to cross back over to avoid the cliffs and gullies of life. Logic however isn't often a strong point of the ever emotional mankind and we let out our personal feelings and ideals dictate how we interact in the world and those around us. We must at times set fire to those bridges to prove the point that we won't be treated such and such way. Which is a bit silly for the one we are teaching that lesson too will be the only one that learns our standpoint and they are cut out of our lives. No one else benefits from such actions and often times not even ourselves. Upon thinking about this and coming to this realization I have come to the policy of abandoning bridges instead of setting them to the flame. Sure they may decay and not be as sound as they were when they were first constructed, but any explorer can tell you when traversing rugged terrain you would rather come across an old overgrown bridge to pass over than the smoldering remains of a bridge long past burned. Coming across this bridge on must do the work to reconstruct it or you to have to traverse the full terrain to get to your destinations and goals in life.
Have you ever had a day in which you where so pent up that you felt you where going to explode, that happened to me today. In my life I am almost always being disrespected, whether directly or indirectly and it hit me really hard today. In life you are either a giver or taker and in every relationship it is the same, I almost always end up becoming the giver in every one of my relationships which has wore on me very bad at times in my life. Add onto that the stresses and rigors of parenthood and having to be the responsible one all the time so that others can live their life relatively unencumbered, in a way "makes jack a dull boy". Pessimism also being one of my strong suits doesn't help the situation much, the very thing which gives me my "Super Powers" being able to detect problems and potential situations in others when turned inward rips me apart.
It is this inner battle that led me to what I count as one of my biggest successes of my adult life. There was a time in my life (as in many others lives as well) when it was time either to break and be broken or break free from your broken self. At this time I had felt defeated and spent my nights crying myself to sleep, I remember the moment vividly when it all started to change I remember the thought coming into my head "I can't keep living like this" and that something needed to change. I don't remember it being a mental choice it was just something that started happening I began scrapping and clawing myself out of the hole of depression I had been digging for the 10 years of my life before that. It took years to get back to where I was at a place that I could say that my mental health was in normal ranges.
Looking back on it now I feel as a man standing over their foe they battled for what felt like an eternity victorious and had cast that foe down at my feet with my arms raised the victor. This is something I can always draw on when times get tough a kind of affirmation that you've done it once you can do it again. It is clear to me know that I had a mental break in the moment what is unclear to me is what part of me broke and did that break make me more sane or just cut off pieces of me that feel. What is for certain though it was this battle and being the victor that made me the man I am today. In thinking back on these memories I am reminded of lyrics from a 3 Days Grace song" If you can't stand the way this place is, Break Away to Higher Places."
