Falling Through Our Cracks

  Have you ever had a day in which you where so pent up that you felt you where going to explode, that happened to me today.  In my life I am almost always being disrespected, whether directly or indirectly and it hit me really hard today.  In life you are either a giver or taker and in every relationship it is the same, I almost always end up becoming the giver in every one of my relationships which has wore on me very bad at times in my life.  Add onto that the stresses and rigors of parenthood and having to be the responsible one all the time so that others can live their life relatively unencumbered, in a way "makes jack a dull boy".  Pessimism also being one of my strong suits doesn't help the situation much, the very thing which gives me my "Super Powers" being able to detect problems and potential situations in others when turned inward rips me apart.
  It is this inner  battle that led me to what I count as one of my biggest successes of my adult life. There was a time in my life (as in many others lives as well) when it was time either to break and be broken or break free from your broken self.  At this time I had felt defeated and spent my nights crying myself to sleep, I remember the moment vividly when it all started to change I remember the thought coming into my head "I can't keep living like this" and that something needed to change.  I don't remember it being a mental choice it was just something that started happening I began scrapping and clawing myself out of the hole of depression I had been digging for the 10 years of my life before that.  It took years to get back to where I was at a place that I could say that my mental health was in normal ranges.
  Looking back on it now I feel as a man standing over their foe they battled for what felt like an eternity victorious and had cast that foe down at my feet with my arms raised the victor.  This is something I can always draw on when times get tough a kind of affirmation that you've done it once you can do it again. It is clear to me know that I had a mental break in the moment what is unclear to me is what part of me broke and did that break make me more sane or just cut off pieces of me that feel.  What is for certain though it was this battle and being the victor that made me the man I am today.  In thinking back on these memories I am reminded of lyrics from a 3 Days Grace song" If you can't stand the way this place is, Break Away to Higher Places."