Ones Shattered Reflection

I very recently found myself doing things that I never wanted to do, and me not writing my blog for a couple of weeks is very much a part of that.  Have you ever had one of those moments in which the mirror gets shined on you and you don’t like what you see, or what the compilation of the moment means about yourself? It is quite evident for those few who read my blogs that I would like to be a good person or at the very least not to be a bad one, but recently I was summing up my actions of the day and the things which I had done and found myself thinking “what a loser I have become”.  It is in this summation and this mirrors reflection a person can find themselves and also lose themselves.

The first version and probably the most evident in the lives we lead is that WE ARE WHO WE VIEW OURSELVES TO BE.  This is a very easy one to illustrate and to think of, for instance if you think you are the smartest person in the room you are likely to be the one who is always whining about how stupid everyone else in the room is (me). Or if fancy yourself the most attractive person in the room it is likely to show in your confidence towards those around, whereas the person who is self-conscience about how they look is often one of the least confident in the group.  So in this we see when person lifts the mirror to themselves whom they see in the reflection shows in how they act towards the world. A person who becomes so focused on this aspect of themselves often comes off to others as self-centered or self-serving which is why the other two are also important.  

The next version of you that holds gravity and more than most would like to admit is WE ARE WHO OTHERS PERCIEVE US AS.  How many times in our lives do we do something or not do something because of how we think other will perceive those actions.  Focusing on this aspect of us can in many ways tweak the first perception of who we view ourselves to be.  People with an unnatural focus on this aspect on themselves tend to struggle with confidence and at times get so caught up in others perceptions that they lose track of who they are and who they want to be for themselves.

The last and most important (in my opinion) is WE ARE WHO OUR ACTIONS SHOW WE ARE. This is important like the first two but it is also the hardest for a person to judge unless they are able to take a step outside of themselves and view themselves.  The way to do this is to look at your life through what the sums of your actions are while separating out what your thoughts or intents were because good intentions do not a good person make.  For instance many people think about how they can better their lives or things they can do to be better people but how many actually do these things.  If I for instance spent the whole day thinking about writing my book but the only actions I had for the day was I screamed and kicked the dog, yelled and spanked my kid for getting in my way, and didn’t do anything I told others I would do, my actions or actually much different than my intent however it is who I am on paper and what has been written about me for that day.

In judging yourself when you look in the mirror each one of these versions of you is very important and should be used if one really truthfully wants to “see” themselves for the first time.  In some forms of thought on this subject people say we are who we want to be, but I think if everyone was exactly who they “want” or intended to be the world would be filled with only good people.  That is not to say intent isn’t important because it is but often it can delude the waters on this subject.  I often find myself sitting down and thinking about these different forms of myself and use it to motivate and at times celebrate who I actually am.

“For the reflection in the mirror is always at least a piece of you, but are you using but a piece of a mirror and saying it is the whole you.” CC

The Ghosts that follow Us

I was watching a show the other day and it talked about how the older a person gets the more ghosts they have following them around.  With my last theme of my blog centering around Zombies I thought hey maybe another nightmare creature could work for our next one. At first when I heard this I found myself thinking that would be quite creepy to have ghosts following you around everywhere, however the more I thought about it the more I found myself seeing that it is true not only in a literal sense but a symbolic one.  As each of us age the list of people we know that has passed away grows making them into these ghosts.  When one digs deeper you begin thinking of all the dreams and relationships in your lives that have also gone "passed away" making that list of ghost even larger. 

 

For some people myself included at times these ghosts or the memory of them can become overwhelming making us question what good is a life that has so many of the things we love and dream about leaving our realm of expectation and interaction.  It is sad to drag the water until the depths give up their dead, how one can sit down to enjoy a good meal and not be able to stop thinking about there deceased Aunt who used to make this same meal for them and whose recipe their are using.  Or smell a certain smell that reminds them of one of their long since gone grandparents.  Even watching shows from ones childhood can cause a person to wonder what happened to that little boys idea of what he would have become when he was daydreaming of what he would become as an adult.

What if all of these dreams and thoughts could disappear, it would certainly make a person be more content with their lives and possibly even more happy.  This however would cheapen our lives, and it is those very ghost which show up in the dark of night which remind us not just of who we were, but who we could become.  Who would that ghost reflecting in our memories have wanted us to be? It is in these thoughts that a person can find the courage to better themselves, these same thoughts which could encourage one, can also enslave one and becomes ones nightmares of "What If's" in their lives which seem to be so many.  The soul would be an empty, lonely place without all those ghost that follow us. The Ghosts of our past give meaning to our present, and often shape our future.

Ode to Zombies

Take a bite of my brain, 

you'll feel complete, 

with white and grey matter stuck in your teeth.

It's my turn to eat,

And isn't it sweet,

the way you mind squishes into my cheek.

Together we dine,

need I remind,

how great it is to have a meeting of minds.

Morbid as this little poem of sorts is, if you look at it from a symbolic standpoint I find myself feeling as a zombie wanting to "eat" knowledge from others minds. The more graphic the thought the better chance it has to get caught in ones mind which is why I like this Ode and the hidden meanings behind it. It has been so long in my life since I have been able to have a deep, meaningful, and intellectual conversation with someone.  I find nothing more stimulating then when you are able to talk to someone of greater or equal knowledge or intelligence at length with  each other about anything and everything, and taking each at more than face value.  Mundane things seem to beat one down, and strangle their minds with impunity  for it is in the yoke of challenge they thrive and spark new life, thought, and vigor to the meaning of their lives. Delving in the depths of my own mind is a great if not treacherous thing, but it is good at time to feed on the knowledge of others.   

Focusing On the Light

Moving forward in life one must strive to focus on the light, though the dark conceals the path.  Man has always been afraid of the dark regardless of how long you spend in it there is always the fear of the unknown or the things you cannot see.  I remember as a child there was a small stream that ran through our front yard with a large tube which fed it under our driveway for a little over 200 feet or so.  Me and my cousins who where my best friends used to pretend that we were soldiers and we would take flash lights and pretend we needed to crawl through the tube like tunnel to escape from prison or whatever story we had concocted for the day.  We would start by going to the top the tunnel sloped downward because the stream came from above our house up a hill that made its way up into the mountains. There usually being three of us it was always scariest for the person who was in front or the person who was in back.  I recall how frightening it was for us the tunnel being so long and only a little bigger then us so that we had to army crawl through it.  This fear was extenuated by the fact that it was so dark and the tunnel itself had a bend making a certain maybe 20 feet range where you would see no light whatsoever.  Every journey though it would take us several attempts because we would always get scared and have to turn back a few times. The only way we could ever make it though the tunnel was to focus on the light that was behind us at the beginning and then after a short period of darkness was in front of us.
How much is this trip though the tunnel like certain times in our lives can be when we cannot see hope in what the future has to bring for us and at times we lose track of the light sometimes in our past and in our future.  The light behind us being the knowledge of what hard work and perseverance can turn into, and the light ahead being the hope which is attained by being able to see an end of the darkness in sight.  There comes a part in every ones life that they begin to focus to much on the darkness that surrounds them and not the prospect of light or actual light in the distance.  I write this because I feel I need to for myself and maybe someone else who stumbles onto this blog in the future that one should (myself included) focus on the light and the prospect of light.  I must always remind myself that there is always a sunny summers day at the end of the tunnel, and most of the time when you get there your eyes have to adjust to the light because it is more that your can handle in that moment.  Here's to hoping for that summers day in all our life's pursuits and may we not end up squinting to much from the darkness to notice that light.   

Standing on the Edge

I find myself in the midst of an life altering decisions that could drastically alter the coarse of my life and where I end up.  Whenever the thought of how big it is going to be towards my future I feel my heart crawling up in the throat.  If only man could see the full progression of such a decisions and the weight it causes in their lives.  I feel as a man standing at the summit of a mountain in front of a cliff trying to decide whether to jump and take the new path which has presented itself, or whether to turn around and take the known path back down.  I have never been comfortable taking these so called leaps of faith, but I guess that's why they are called that because they are not meant to be comfortable.
If anyone has been reading the other things on my blog you would have figured out that I have been feeling like I have been caught in the rut as of late, and been waiting for a change.  Well here one has come and here I am  whining about the summit I took myself too and the unsure nature of the future it holds for me.  There are two things that give me pause and they are the safety and well being of my family, which me taking this step would help me be able to provide for them, but possibly at the expense of my own.
To leap or not to leap, put my faith that the consequences will be good or follow the trail in which I know the path? Such is life's journey so I guess I should lace up my boots and get to it.