Falling Through Our Cracks

  Have you ever had a day in which you where so pent up that you felt you where going to explode, that happened to me today.  In my life I am almost always being disrespected, whether directly or indirectly and it hit me really hard today.  In life you are either a giver or taker and in every relationship it is the same, I almost always end up becoming the giver in every one of my relationships which has wore on me very bad at times in my life.  Add onto that the stresses and rigors of parenthood and having to be the responsible one all the time so that others can live their life relatively unencumbered, in a way "makes jack a dull boy".  Pessimism also being one of my strong suits doesn't help the situation much, the very thing which gives me my "Super Powers" being able to detect problems and potential situations in others when turned inward rips me apart.
  It is this inner  battle that led me to what I count as one of my biggest successes of my adult life. There was a time in my life (as in many others lives as well) when it was time either to break and be broken or break free from your broken self.  At this time I had felt defeated and spent my nights crying myself to sleep, I remember the moment vividly when it all started to change I remember the thought coming into my head "I can't keep living like this" and that something needed to change.  I don't remember it being a mental choice it was just something that started happening I began scrapping and clawing myself out of the hole of depression I had been digging for the 10 years of my life before that.  It took years to get back to where I was at a place that I could say that my mental health was in normal ranges.
  Looking back on it now I feel as a man standing over their foe they battled for what felt like an eternity victorious and had cast that foe down at my feet with my arms raised the victor.  This is something I can always draw on when times get tough a kind of affirmation that you've done it once you can do it again. It is clear to me know that I had a mental break in the moment what is unclear to me is what part of me broke and did that break make me more sane or just cut off pieces of me that feel.  What is for certain though it was this battle and being the victor that made me the man I am today.  In thinking back on these memories I am reminded of lyrics from a 3 Days Grace song" If you can't stand the way this place is, Break Away to Higher Places."

My House Divided

"A house divided cannot stand," a quote from Abraham Lincoln ( a biblical reference I believe) and a good one at that.  I was thinking about his quote the other day and I found myself realizing the truth of it runs deep to the very foundation of all society.  The biblical reference for it mostly goes back to a man cannot serve two masters for eventually one will win out, when looking at it from a household standpoint it paints a much different picture.  It basically means your ideals and intention should align with whoever the head of your household is or your will one day find yourself a usurper to the thrown or being out of said household.   A good way to paint this picture is to think of mid-evil times when the head of the house (if you were royalty or a lord) literally lead the kingdom in which you live.  Let's say that you were the son or daughter of the King but you didn't agree with some of the rules and practices of the kingdom.  If you decided to voice your opinion to others whether they agree with you are not you are going to cause descent in the kingdom even if you never had a mind to challenge the King. In the minds of those you voiced said opinion to you have already done so they have already decided whether they follow you or your father in this stance.  
In contrast lets say you decided to take a different approach and instead of saying anything about the King and the rules of which you disagree you hold your tongue and go when outside the castle walls and break the rules with which you do not agree.  If any person from the kingdom sees your actions they will judge your actions as that of the King as being one who makes rules and break rules and they themselves will either place you as one who opposes the King or as one who represents the Kings ideals.  Your very actions place the target of the Kings back and leads people to believe you a usurper or to pursue usurping themselves.
In short these descents and different viewpoints make the house divided not be able to stand.  For given time either your actions will continue and the King will be Usurped or said conflict will claim your viewpoint and you will find yourself smashed under the machine of those of whom you disagree.
If you are having a hard time tying this back to a real day scenario or finding where it can take root in your own life lets look at it like this.  If as a son or daughter, employee, student, etc. we say I care not for your opinion on this matter and think they are wrong we are silently wishing for the death of these figures influences in our lives.  We know their ideals and what they believe and we in turn say no I' am a better authority on this matter which breeds conflict among us, them, and whoever is sitting on the sidelines and knows both of the points being made.  Imagine if every time a person had one of these kinds of conflicts the only way out was for one of them to die, would people act so quickly pursuing their own desires  or put thought to what actions their actions will spawn.  Often times when we do, do such a things it is just to make our lives more convenient for us and our quarrel is simply one of let me do what I want to do. Because of this we are ready to face the King in principles of running a land, a Professor on the information they team, a father on how best to be a man.  That is not to say all usurping is unwarranted but to say there will be a time to make our own rules and to teach our own theories, but is that time actually today? Why are we living in this persons home? Why are we taking this class? Why don't they make me a supervisor when I first start? etc.
So when living under another mans roof  one would do well to coincide their wants and desires with the master of the house unless of course they want to find themselves the master of the house with all the rules and responsibilities that go with it.  For heavy is the head that wears the crown, especially for one who wants nothing to do with the weight of it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAU

Tracking your Heartbeat

When we are born (or even before that) our heartbeat dictates how long our lives will last, for as long as we still have a heartbeat we alive.  It is that ambient noise in the background of all of our lives no matter what we are doing our heart is beating in the background.  Sure at times it may speed up and struggle to meet the capacity to which it was set while at others times it comes naturally and without strain. In thinking of your life and where you are headed in it what is your own personal heartbeat? (or the principles in which you live your life by) If something is truly ones gospel it should be as ones heartbeat, something they automatically do without putting much thought into it.  to better align ourselves with the analogy is your current heartbeat coming easy for you or is it one that strains and struggles because of how recently it took control of your life. Have you recently stopped smoking and struggle to not flat line on a daily basis or is it something you have done since you were a child etc... Where are do each of these ideals fit and how deeply rooted are they in each of us?
I would hypothesize if each and everyone one of us take a hard look at ourselves and ones supposed "morals" or "ideals" that the flatlined reality of their actions in their lives are quite different. Are you truly living up to the standards you have placed on yourself or do they become the principles and ideals that gut you because of your lack of living up to them. In my younger years I believed that I like everyone else put my family first and that I was always trying to be a good person, but as I got older I began to realize that these things which were my deepest desires were in fact nowhere near prevalent or relevant in my life.  The pursuit of happiness (or in my case to calm my own personal demons) had taken over so that I was merely trying to survive.
While attending university a professor once asked "Why is it that so few people feel happiness in their lives?".  Through time and experience I have learn that true happiness comes when ones expectation meet ones reality, and how better is this exemplified than when ones gospel coincides with ones reality.  When ones heart beat synthesizes with ones ideals they find peace of heart and mind which is great so one doesn't feel the need to pluck said heart from ones chest.  

The Cowled Crow Flies Again!!!

After over a year of not posting anything new I have decided to revisit my blog once again.  Interestingly enough my blog ended up serving a purpose I had not originally intended.  I got a job a couple of years ago at boarding school for "Troubled" teens, and part of what I did there was help out with their 12 step program and my blog post were helpful when used as readings or discussions points for the group.  So having basically left my blog to the scrap heap I have decided to revive it and bring it back from purgatory.  My blog will now serve at the very least as a place to stockpile this kind of material so I can use it as a database for the future.  Who knows maybe someone will stumble on it and find it worth a look as well.  I will begin by re-posting some of my old blogs (or maybe better describes as editing) I had to give them a bit of a face-lift because of my lack of writing prowess, though I am sure it will still offend the local grammar nazi.  While I am at it I hope the fast approaching New year finds your well and hopefully mine does too!

The Mastery of Magic

When does ones action or desires become a part of a persons being, or become them? This is a question I posed to myself in thinking of behavior modification both of others and of myself.  One of the reason this question is an interesting one is it goes back to the very essence of can a man change who they are? Can we change our base desires and shackle our very nature becoming who we desire to be rather than who we are by nature?  I think those are very important questions to ask oneself whenever a person is striving to morph themselves into a better or different version of themselves. One person once told me that it is harder to change the will of a man than to will the moving of a mountain. In many ways I think this statement is very true for ourselves and others, if we don't have the will or want to to do something then simply put we won't.  Nothing short of magic will set us from our coarse.
Through study and personal experience I know that one can change themselves down to their very nature.  This is however very difficult and takes a large amount of Will and discipline which is why very few people can  master this "Magic".  To illustrate how it is done I will use an example of the circle of mastery.  This is Merlins Three Degrees of Wizardry.

The Three Degrees of Wizardry(classes)
1. Incantation: The medium of their spell casting is speech.
2. Hand Wizards: The medium of their spell casting is gestures of the hands.
3. Will Wizard: The medium of the spell casting is thought.

Looking at these three degrees Incantation is the least skilled form of wizardry, Hand Wizards are the more skilled, and Will Wizards are the most.  This is rated in the matter of of time it takes each to cast a spell.  The Incantation wizard must recite long spells in order to cast a spell which would not be ideal when things get hairy.  The Hand Wizard simply has to do a form of movement or gesture with their hands and their magic springs to life which of coarse can be quite fast.  The highest form of wizardry is the Will Wizard which over time and practice needs only to think of a spell to cast it.
These degrees exemplify how a person can know that they have changed who they are. It all starts with a person beginning to tell themselves they want to change (speech) and letting others know as well.  Over time and after making some of the mental preparations involved in making a change the person begins doing the things which denote the change they want to make (hands).  They begin taking the actions they need to for instance if a person wanted to live a more healthy lifestyle they would first have to tell themselves of the changes they need to make(incantation) and then start making those changes (hand/action) such as exercising and eating more healthy.  This leads us to the last stage and the one in which one knows they have changed.  To use the example I gave earlier the person has decided they want to live more healthy so they decided what changes they need to make and then they put those decisions into action, then over time they begin to stop craving the unhealthy foods they used to, they begin doing the stuff without much thought or action which points to the fact that they have changed (thoughts).  Over time of doing the thing that which was so difficult in the beginning the person becomes the change that they wanted to make.  The "Magic" of it all is that it is easier said than done.  People tend to forget that all change requires work on their part.  For the caterpillar to change into a butterfly it must go through the anguish of working its way out of the cocoon it has wrapped itself in.  Finding that reason to put yourself through that pain is the spark of magic one needs to make it through the change which they seek. If they can find that reason that motivator they will realize that they are able to Master Magic.

Chasing White Rabbits

You have probably noticed that I quite enjoy Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, and that it has many lessons which can be learned from that one story when comparing it to life and the way in which people think and behave.  Therefore I have decided to do a few post outlining certain characters from the adventure and what parallels they have in the real world.  We will do this as is explained in the book" Start from the beginning and when you come to the end stop," as if there were any other way in which to examine and tell a story.

In the beginnings of the novel everything seems normal in Alice's life she seems to be an ordinary girl with ordinary thoughts and problems.  Suddenly something catches her attention, enter the White Rabbit which is one of the most discussed and misunderstood symbols in the whole story.  The white rabbit seems to Alice the perfect distraction from the cares and troubles of her everyday life.  There is nothing to peculiar nor notable about the character himself other than the anomaly of him wearing a Pocket-Watch and being late for something.  The fact that she decides to follow this rabbit to the extent that she is, tells us more about Alice then anything else and the fact that it leads her to the drama and perils of the adventure is also telling.  Alice would never have even noticed this White Rabbit if she weren't looking for it in the first place.  Moreover the rabbit wasn't looking for her but she for the rabbit, the distraction to take her away from the seriousness of life.  

The Rabbit itself is a symbol of spring which signifies change.  For we know that rabbits procreate and a fast rate and have the potential to change their population size very quickly if not kept in check.  The pocket-watch that he wears is of coarse a symbol of time and the fact that Alice is chasing a white rabbit wearing  a pocket-watch alludes to the act itself being something to fill the time.  If we further delve into the White Rabbit and what he is in the story he serves as a herald to the queen which also furthers the symbolism of him being connected to change.  For why does one chase Which Rabbits? It is because one is looking for a change in their state of mind, or even in the physical life.  The fact that the White Rabbit is late and seems to be in the state of urgency during most of the story is another telling thing, for we know that a rabbit in the real world would have no such sense of urgency except when perhaps escaping a predator.

Knowing the before mentioned symbolism of the White Rabbit and tying the two together we get a better picture of what is alluded too.  Placing importance and urgency on the distractions of life ties up time which considering how short life is is urgently needed elsewhere.  Many such things exist in our lives whether it be drugs, video-games, TV, or other manner of recreational activities which are meant more for minor distractions in life yet end up oftentimes becoming the major subject of some peoples lives. Don't get me wrong It is good to chase White Rabbits now and then but when that becomes the major focus of a life your life takes no more psychical meaning in the temporal world then a white rabbit dressed up in finery with a pocket-watch.

In life many a White Rabbits will catch your eye, yet knowing how long the chase them, and when not to at all becomes the challenge.  Until our next adventure in wonderland here's to finding that balance in our lives so they not only end up being a children's tale.

   

Fast Car to No Where

Another year has come and gone and I find myself revisiting my little nook(my blog) in which I invested so much time in the past but now needs a good dusting, and a good dusting it will get.  My blog is after-all suppose to be a place where I hoard thoughts and ideas that for whatever reason I find meaningful, and I have had many of those which I haven't shared in a good amount of time so I guess its time to step back into the fray and got to it.
I've found myself as the Tracy Chapmans song "Fast Car"  a song which has always held a special significance to me.  I think it signifies my own plight in this life well..  The song tells a story of a young woman living in the projects whom has quit school to take care of her alcoholic father.  During the song she talks of wanting to work hard to get money so she can buy a fast car and speed away from her life of poverty in the projects.  Throughout the progression of the song you see her slowly begin to submit to the life in the projects, instead of breaking the cycle her family is in, she becomes a part of that cycle.
In this song the "Fast Car" become a proverbial road to nowhere.  The I'll do it tomorrows and the lack of the right breaks in life becomes a killer of inertia that one through their hard work would have gained.  At times I find myself (as many others) putting in the work for a successful life yet not catching the breaks needed for the  pay offs one so frantically searches for.  There was a study done in which brain waves were studied and they were able to determine what a person was going to do six seconds before their bodies in fact did the act.  This makes me wonder what in those six seconds determines whether the person actually puts those thoughts into action as opposed to someone who doesn't.  Perhaps it is a "Pavlovian" response for some after a certain amount of trying yields no results. Whatever the cause of one "burning down" their old goals and sending them to the scrapheap is  of little importance  for the end result is the same.
This blog for me has become an old book lost in the back of the library which the librarian keeps in hopes that someone, will someday dust it off and give it a read.  That is of coarse the allure of writing to me is in that it is literally controlling ones thought patterns for a few moments and taking them on a journey to where you want to take them.  The journey can both be to everywhere and nowhere at all, a journey which dirties no mans boot but yet takes the same tread of their minds.  My own version of a "fast car to no where, yet somewhere nonetheless. That my friends may be clear as mud to some while a magnifying glass to others.