Catching Fireflies

The Firefly or lightning bug is a bug which glows in the darkness, with a light that comes from within. It has often been thought that fairies, willow wisps, and other magical creatures rumored to grant the catcher wishes got their origins from our superstitious ancestors seeing fireflies.  Owl City's hit single "Fireflies" draws on this belief and makes the analogy that fireflies are the dreams and imagination of children, or the "Magic" of childhood. I find this thought very illuminating(pardon the pun), for as children we have so many dreams of what our life can become with the infinite possibilities of our future. We catch a few of these "fireflies" place them in a jar and they help guide us into adulthood. 

As we get older it seems as though many of those fireflies from our past have died or moved on to greener pastures.  The magic of our childhood is spent with many if not all of those dreams having seemingly vanished and have gone extinct along with that childhood version of ourselves that dreamt  them.  We no longer sit in our basements pretending to be a movie-star or astronaut for it feels as though that ship sailed long ago.  The room goes dark for us and we sit in the darkness.

We need not sit in the darkness when all we really need to do is dream once again and find those fireflies to light up those dark places.  It is important to have these dreams of a better reality for ourselves, for that is where all of  a humans hope resides.  These dreams which spurn our hope can be caught and placed into a jar through making goals to make our future better.  So when the lights next go out and things get hard in our lives forcing us to lose our vision, we have a light to remind us of what might be in our futures which give us more of a reminder of why we brave the darkness.

The world is under the misconception that the way a person is able to become adult is through taking that dreaming child inside of them to the river behind their house and drowning them.  Just be an adult and accept things the way they are and accept your lot in life.   That may be a way of adulting, I'm just not so sure it is a healthy way of adulting.  Maybe instead of burying that piece of us in a unmarked grave that only we know where it rests, when next that child peeks around the corner of our minds we invite them to take a seat with us, we place our owns around them and feel, cry, and dream together. 

The world may be to harsh and cold to let that dreamer survive, but are we?

Prepare the Diving-Bell

The word "diving-bell" can have several meanings, the first of which is that it is a device that divers use to travel into the depths of the oceans.  Another meaning and the one I first thought of when hearing the word is the bell that is rung by Navy Seal recruits when they come up for air to denote they have "tapped out" and given up on their diving/water treading exam denoting failure. In life it can feel as though you are drowning in the depths of your own personal ocean.  Screaming for air under the water anchored to the bottom under the weight of your responsibilities, and demands placed on you by life.  At time it seems one can only receive that rest and breath through ringing the bell and tapping out of their current life.   Doesn't a person deserve a breather every now and then? Does coming up for air mean a person is damaged or less capable than others who seem to tread the water so easily?

The answer is "No" to both of the questions asked earlier.  To understand this fact a person should simply think of why they took to the ocean in the first place.  A man dives into their own personal oceans as a form of personal discovery, to see unseen things and test their mettle against the rages of their own personal nature.  Man was never meant to survive in the depths of the oceans without a vessel to attached themselves to.  It is this fact that it is against our nature to survive under water which leads us to venture there in the first place, the excitement the struggle against nature.  As a Navy Seal in training it is about growing and being able to hold their breath longer and coming up for air having accomplished a little more each time.  This overtime creates a more capable swimmer and a person more suited to the foreign environment of the ocean.

I remember watching a documentary a few years back on diving into caves dug by the ocean.  In this documentary they come across the body of the diver in a 70's style wet suit floating in the depths.  Due to the dangerous nature of the diving scenario they had undertaken they had to leave the body down there hidden in the depths for others to find.  Seeing the body in the depths didn't make the divers gloat, nor did they find it funny, but it served as a reminder to each of them how everyone risks the same thing (failure) when they take to the ocean.   Divers know there will only be so much time under the depths that they can handle before they end up becoming a part of it.

So prepare both iterations of the diving bell any time you take to the ocean.  Prepare for success and to see the depths of the ocean (and part's of yourself) that you have never seen before.  Also be prepared to ring the diving-bell, and admit to others that you are human and need the same air that everyone else does.  Personal successes and growth are all one part personal accomplishment and equal part personal failures.  If there weren't failures there would be no reason for any personal success.  No-one ever finds the colors and treasures locked deep inside their own personal oceans and lives, without braving the risk and depths of failures.

"The Cowled Crow Flies Again", Again

It has been a while since I posted anything on this blog.  Partially due to the fact that I have gone back to school, but also because I have invested my creative efforts in other things.  I have used my past blogs on this site in teaching youth in drug and alcohol treatment, and well as juveniles with anti-social thinking tendencies.  All and all the analogies that are contained in these blogs (while grammatically challenged) have proved invaluable in my teaching.  Due to this fact, I will try to continue to keep this blog updated in hopes it might help others.  If one finds themselves in an environment in which they have to teach others or a therapeutic type environment feel free to use these ideas.
I am currently in school to become a mental health counselor and I have continued to learn in this area, and most if not all of the thoughts contained are sound.  In "Heraldry" the crow is often a symbol of a counselor and of wisdom, and this keeps in line with my original purpose for writing this blog.  So here's to hoping I can continue to  keep this updated even though in some regards it is an antiquated medium lets hope other unsuspecting victims might accidentally find their way here and find something of use.  I hope all are well and all are searching or have found meaning in their lives.
   

The Darkness and Silence that Precedes it...

I recently had a video posted to my facebook wall that let darkness back into my soul, a kind of darkness that I haven't experienced in a long time.  The video was of a child(or better called a baby) about 2 years old playing outside in some Asian country when a man just walks up to the poor thing and starts stomping on the child and beating the child, this last for over 2 minutes with passers by just walking past and doing nothing.  This child was being killed by this evil individual and no one does anything.  After a few minutes someone finally chases the guy off and the child is rushed to the hospital where I am imagining it died (I don't see how it could have survived the beating).

This disturbing video brought me to tears and made me wish I could have been there to kill the guy who did it and to help save the child.  Worse yet I could not get the scene out of my mind and it kept repeating itself over and over again in my mind.  An innocent child doing what children do comes into contact with something so evil that just shatters the beauty and promise of that child.  I thought at first it disturbed me most because of the fact that I have an Asian wife and my children are half Asian and the parallels with my own children. Now that there is some distance between myself and the emotions I was feeling I found the real reason the darkness would not leave me.

Some years ago I was a Missionary and me and the another Missionary were out walking in a neighborhood at dusk when we came across a stray puppy.  It was a little black lab puppy so we picked it up and took it to the closest couple of homes asking if it was their dog.  After a few houses we found the house it belonged to and we left it (or so we thought) it kept following us.   No matter how hard we tried it wouldn't return home and it had caught up to us about a quarter of a mile away from the home so we decided to start walking it back.  After about 5 minutes of walking when a jacked up beater truck came barreling out way.   The truck nearly hit me and my companion we managed to get out of the way but the little puppy did not.  It gasped for breath, its broken body shattered as it gasped to breath its last breaths, this once beautiful creature reduced to nothing but a broken shell dead on the concrete.  As we crowded in to look at it in shock the driver hopped out of his car reeking of alcohol and worried that he had hit someone.  We pulled the now dead puppy to the side of the road and went and told the owners. 

That scene was a domino that tripped a series of others events that would lead to my eventual for lack of a better description psychotic break, a break caused by the depths of depression.  Something about being an Missionary trying to help people escape from evil, and having something so pure and beautiful as a puppy just destroyed by someones evil actions just wrecked all naivety I had and taught me how truly evil the world is that we live in.   It is this dark finger that crept back in after watching the video, the evil and darkness that pulled me back to the mindset I had clawed myself out of all those years earlier.

It was in the suffering and pain I was feeling that I found something, something I would never have found otherwise.  I won't go into to much of particulars about it but I was with my family and still feeling the brunt of the feelings I had from the video.  The day before  I had watched a documentary at my job about quantum physics/ mechanics and we went to watch Kung Fu Panda III( I know how silly that sounds)at the theater. It was there that it happened in pondering about the three things combined in that theater it happened.  In a moment of clarity it was as if the veil was pushed back and I saw the threads of the universe and how they were all connected and how God factors into all of it.  I found tears flowing down my cheek now this time for a different reason, this time because of the beauty of what I saw the hands of God, the purpose in full, I was taught things which  I will not write here, nor am I sure that I could explain them in a way that they would make sense to anyone else. 

I write this not to teach of the things I saw but of the how it came about, and how I had to fight with that evil, inner darkness, and torment to lead me to that moment to that plane of conscientiousness in which I learned things that will forever changed my life.  I know everyone experiences the darkness, the voices which don't leave you alone in the silence.  As me those of you going through it would wonder why me? why must I endure these things? Maybe your not just enduring these things your just experiencing such darkness because of the brightness of the clarity that follows.  

   

Building Spirit House

Why build a Spirit House?

A spirit house is a relaxation/meditative exercise which help calm and focus the individual who chooses to.  Its application is primarily to help a person maintain a calm temperament while oftentimes combating insomnia or difficult sleep.  Once a person has mastered accessing and maintaining their Spirit House their interaction within its pallet can be deciphered and analyzed to help a person find problems which face them in the everyday life. 

1.     Establish a Zone of Focus.

There are two ways to gain the focus needed to do a spirit house one being Focus Meditation the other being vivid visualization.  Focus Meditation is the easier of the two to ensure you have established the proper focus.  When Doing Focus Meditation once outside distractions and thoughts are centered you have established the proper focus and you may proceed.  If you are an individual who can Achieve Vivid Visualization you can also get and maintain the focus from the focusing on simple thoughts or images in your mind that outside stimulus no longer draws you out.

Ground Rules:  The best way to meditate is finding your best time.  When are you less likely to be interrupted by outside distractions? Many people find that this is either before bed or right when you wake up.  Being able to achieve focus is paramount for this exercise and it is a skill not an inborn talent, it takes time so it is recommended that you practice meditation for a few weeks before you take your Spirit House Journey.

2.     How To Know You’re in the Zone.

One achieves a Zone of focus when outside distractions no longer distract the individual from thought.  This process can take anywhere from a couple of minutes to even hours depending on the circumstances and how practiced the individual trying to achieve it is. When in the Zone you receive tunnel vision you stop having to put effort to blank your mind or in the case of Visualization achieve the un-tempered vision. For instance if one is in the Zone a distraction could arise and do nothing to pull the individual from his center or whatever thought or vision he has is having.

3.     Finding Your Spirit House.

After finding your focus you begin the visualization.  You will first need to visualize your idea of what the most relaxing beautiful place you can think of.  Think of specific senses what does it smell like, what’s the temperature, etc.  Try to stimulate each of your senses in the area.  After you have a good grasp of what your relaxing area you are ready to find your spirit house.  It will be somewhere in this relaxing place as you begin to explore you will come across it first begin at a distance taking steps forward slowly as long as the house is in focus take a step forward.  If for whatever reason you can’t visualize details stop and focus on the house until it comes back into focus.  If you have ventured the while and are unable to find it you may need to build one or try to visualize a new area there are several different ways to go about it try what your most comfortable with.  Another thing you need to keep telling yourself ”this house is me”  more often than not it ends up being a “distressed” house rundown or appears vacant.  Because of this one of you first orders of business will be to fix or repair portions which are in need of repair.  Another thing that helps is to use natural laws while this in this land anything can be possible it is important to ground it in reality to make to feel more “real” to you. 

As you get to you house notice the door is it open? What is the state of the house? Be cautious as you approach try the door if it’s locked you will have to find a way in.  If it’s wide open it is inviting you in and you should take a look.    Congratulations you have arrived at the beginning of your spirit house journey now is the time to view Ground Rules for your spirit house.

4.     Time at Your Spirit House.

Ground Rules (Important)

While at your spirit house it is important to remember that while anything is possible in this realm it is important not to be playing with symbols.   For instance much like the real world one should not play with fire both metaphorically and literally.  Maintain your foot in the real for this to work it must reflect what your subconscious views as you so don’t be placing things that don’t belong.  The more time you spend at your Spirit house you will realize that it will set ground rules for you.  There will be doors that won’t open, parts of the house which lack focus and you must help build or focus into existence etc.  You will begin to realize that whole place has certain rules which it wants you to abide by.  For instance if you come to a locked door you shouldn’t just try to break it down but look around for a key each and every aspect of the house like this under which you have no control don’t force your will onto it let it come naturally.  It will also let you know what task it wants you to fulfill first.  These tasks will be symbolic of things in your life that need to be done, or commented on.  Sometimes to further your progression in your spirit house you may need to do things in the real world, one can never be fully certain. 

Another important point to be brought to focus is one should find a point within the house once they make it in to be your access point to your spirit house.  For instance mine was the chair in front of the fireplace that is the place or part of the house I would visualize to regain access to my house.  That view from my chair in front of the fire place was my focal point and what I would bring into focus to gain access to the house.  Once you have got you vision back you can go back to exploring your house or doing your chores.   Don’t be surprised if when you come back to your house you find something new waiting for you.  Take note of these and remember them so when you finish you can write them down. 

5.     Maintaining your focus.

The best way to stay attached in your Spirit House and to make it an enjoyable affair is to live in the moment.  Treat it like a dream don’t force it or analyze it just let your interactions come natural.  Try not to stress about a door not opening or the spiders that have infested it that is all something you can do once you leave your house.  When you feel yourself drifting go back to menial tasks to keep you present.  For instance my roof had a leaking problem so I would spend long periods of time thatching the roof.  I don’t know what it was about that activity but it relaxed me in very deeps ways while also reinforcing my vision of my spirit house.   Remember the first and most important aspect of the spirit house if for it to be a relaxing activity for you.

6.     Keeping a Spirit House Journal

The Spirit house Journal is very important because it is a way for you to catalog what happens in the house and chronicle it in the real world.  It also provides a platform for you to problems solve with things that arise in your spirit house, how should I rid my house of the ant infestation, what’s the proper way to fix this creaking chair, etc.  and you can take it back and be better prepared the next time.  This journal is also a way to think of symbolism and the parallels they make to your waking life.  The emotions you feel in the world and symbols along with the emotions all have real world applications.  For instance why is it spiders infesting my house instead of some other animal.  Why can’t I stop thatching my roof? What comments are being made about my waking life? etc,

 These are the basics good luck with your spirit house journey! Enjoy!

Finding Spirit House

Several years back I stumbled upon something amazing, a form of meditation that combines the relaxing focus of meditation while enter-twining dream analysis/ vivid visualization.  I say stumbled upon because it was literally something that just happened due to the circumstances of my life. In writing this down I hope that it can benefit others as it has benefited me and help me make it through some tough times in my life.
To better understand the concept of Spirit House one must understand some of the circumstances of my life at the time it showed itself to me.  At the time I was doing my first and second year of college studying psychology and I had just gotten a very stressful job (working with anti-social teens).  My wife and I were expecting and finances were low, in so much that we were using my student loans to pay to bills.  To not go into too great detail I will just say it was one of the most stressful times of my life.
It was during this time that I was practicing some focus meditation which I had just learned and I had found that it was most helpful before bed.  I was also spending most of my mental journey writing a fantasy novel I had been dreaming up for years.  Because of my work an the many stresses I had, I had high anxiety levels and had troubles falling to sleep at night.  To help with that I would do some focus meditation and then after I had felt in more of a state of calm I began dreaming up the fantasy world of my book.  This did a little to help me with my stress it was when I got to specific part of my book that it happened.
In my book  I had a character which I mirrored after myself and I had gotten to a point in the book that he had come across a derelict house in the woods that he was going to claim as his own.  I would imagine myself as this alter ego of myself and set about the process of acquiring said house and making it my own.  It was in doing this starting with the focus meditation I found a great state of relaxation.  Every night when I got home I would do the same thing and though I had figured out that portion of the story I felt myself drawn back to this cabin in the woods.  In so doing I found I slept better and my stress levels began subsiding more as well.
I never understood what was so appealing about me going back to this house every night and why i felt so drawn to it, I just knew it worked it helped me sleep at night and helped with my stress.  It wasn't until I started taking a class about dream theory that I realized the full significance of what was happening. If one knows how dreams work, they are basically one being able to see to processes of the mind de-fragmenting itself and storing its thought and memories in their proper place and it does so through symbolism a symbol, within a symbol, within a symbol. I came to the realization that the house in my dreamlike meditation and visualization was in fact me, and my mind was commenting on my own life through the different chores and things I experienced while I was visiting there before sleep.
This may seem silly, or like I am up in the night, however through analyzing the different scenes and things that happened in this dream world I have found that my life itself and followed the lines which were revealed to me in this meditative state.  Something I had first used as a form of coping and stress relief in my life had in fact turned into something more deep and meaningful than I had thought it would and I attribute much of my current mental health to that process and what it did for me.  Through building my spirit house my life and my emotions seam to all come into balance.

To Fall Off the Worlds Edge

  There comes a moment in your life where one feels they have traveled to the edge of their known universe.  In scientific theory the universe is continually expanding and receding only to expand past its original limits and to recede to its previous limits in a series of explosions and and implosions.  Our own personal universes don't seem to always replicate those found in nature for there comes times in life where you feel the once permeable surface of your divine potential feel as though they have solidified and your upward trending potential seems replaced by a ceiling or mantle in which one most fit their lives and dreams.  At this point in your life you begin to see how finite your time on this planet will be and how your cannot achieve every goal or ambition you have in your life.
   It is in these times that that old familiar call of depression calls me back along the known paths of life to see if their is anything I have missed along my journey thus making lose the scent of the new trail which leads forward.  The crack or plant you have never noticed on the daily trips of your journey which focused on leads to a new understanding and wonder in a life stuck in ones known universe.  Looking for an escape from this path I feel tethered too my universe begins to turn dark, and leads me to waiting to fall off my worlds edge.  Will there be a new experience for me, a new feeling to define, a new thought to enlighten, or am I just to tread on paths which I have already tread experiencing things I have already experienced.

   As an old European explorer is that where my map ends and there is nothing outside of that but to fall off the edge or to be gobbled up by the dragons and demons which keep any from progressing further than that point.  What will be the explosion to jar these trapped universes free to expand and implode the change that a mind can match its wits with and grow all the more stronger.  One thing is certain for me I will be looking for those new horizons or unexplored ends of the existing universe.  Hopefully then the universe and existence decides to expand once again for me leaving cracks for some new dreams to seep through and save me from being left to my own devices

A Bridge Once Burned

  " One should never burn bridges they one day might need to cross over".  If every action one performs can be an interpreted as a symbol of what they want or how they want to be perceived, what is the act of burning a bridge to be interpreted as? Symbolically and its use in the English language it draws on the burning of ones kingdoms route to another kingdom. Cutting off all forms of trade and diplomacy between them.   In actual practice it is an act of vanity or maybe better described as one of pride, one individual decides that for whatever reason, or for whatever slight they will purposefully put that relationship to the flame.  A strange practice in terms of active trade and barter reality the relationship was one at one point that worked well enough so that the two kingdoms or two parties set forth to build the bridge linking their kingdoms in the first place.  For one to decide to do so (build the bridge) they must have decided their relationship was mutually beneficial enough for both parties to link their fates together. Then to later burn said relationship to the ground and sullying not just your trade agreements, but the memories of the individual and how they helped you in the past seems strange.
    From a pure logic standpoint it seems counterproductive for one to burn a perfectly good bridge that they might someday find themselves needing to cross back over to avoid the cliffs and gullies of life.   Logic however isn't often a strong point of the ever emotional mankind and we let out our personal feelings and ideals dictate how we interact in the world and those around us.   We must at times set fire to those bridges to prove the point that we won't be treated such and such way. Which is a bit silly for the one we are teaching that lesson too will be the only one that learns our standpoint and they are cut out of our lives.  No one else benefits from such actions and often times not even ourselves.  Upon thinking about this and coming to this realization I have come to the policy of abandoning bridges instead of setting them to the flame.  Sure they may decay and not be as sound as they were when they were first constructed, but any explorer can tell you when traversing rugged terrain you would rather come across an old overgrown bridge to pass over than the smoldering remains of a bridge long past burned. Coming across this bridge on must do the work to reconstruct it or you to have to traverse the full terrain to get to your destinations and goals in life.  

Falling Through Our Cracks

  Have you ever had a day in which you where so pent up that you felt you where going to explode, that happened to me today.  In my life I am almost always being disrespected, whether directly or indirectly and it hit me really hard today.  In life you are either a giver or taker and in every relationship it is the same, I almost always end up becoming the giver in every one of my relationships which has wore on me very bad at times in my life.  Add onto that the stresses and rigors of parenthood and having to be the responsible one all the time so that others can live their life relatively unencumbered, in a way "makes jack a dull boy".  Pessimism also being one of my strong suits doesn't help the situation much, the very thing which gives me my "Super Powers" being able to detect problems and potential situations in others when turned inward rips me apart.
  It is this inner  battle that led me to what I count as one of my biggest successes of my adult life. There was a time in my life (as in many others lives as well) when it was time either to break and be broken or break free from your broken self.  At this time I had felt defeated and spent my nights crying myself to sleep, I remember the moment vividly when it all started to change I remember the thought coming into my head "I can't keep living like this" and that something needed to change.  I don't remember it being a mental choice it was just something that started happening I began scrapping and clawing myself out of the hole of depression I had been digging for the 10 years of my life before that.  It took years to get back to where I was at a place that I could say that my mental health was in normal ranges.
  Looking back on it now I feel as a man standing over their foe they battled for what felt like an eternity victorious and had cast that foe down at my feet with my arms raised the victor.  This is something I can always draw on when times get tough a kind of affirmation that you've done it once you can do it again. It is clear to me know that I had a mental break in the moment what is unclear to me is what part of me broke and did that break make me more sane or just cut off pieces of me that feel.  What is for certain though it was this battle and being the victor that made me the man I am today.  In thinking back on these memories I am reminded of lyrics from a 3 Days Grace song" If you can't stand the way this place is, Break Away to Higher Places."

My House Divided

"A house divided cannot stand," a quote from Abraham Lincoln ( a biblical reference I believe) and a good one at that.  I was thinking about his quote the other day and I found myself realizing the truth of it runs deep to the very foundation of all society.  The biblical reference for it mostly goes back to a man cannot serve two masters for eventually one will win out, when looking at it from a household standpoint it paints a much different picture.  It basically means your ideals and intention should align with whoever the head of your household is or your will one day find yourself a usurper to the thrown or being out of said household.   A good way to paint this picture is to think of mid-evil times when the head of the house (if you were royalty or a lord) literally lead the kingdom in which you live.  Let's say that you were the son or daughter of the King but you didn't agree with some of the rules and practices of the kingdom.  If you decided to voice your opinion to others whether they agree with you are not you are going to cause descent in the kingdom even if you never had a mind to challenge the King. In the minds of those you voiced said opinion to you have already done so they have already decided whether they follow you or your father in this stance.  
In contrast lets say you decided to take a different approach and instead of saying anything about the King and the rules of which you disagree you hold your tongue and go when outside the castle walls and break the rules with which you do not agree.  If any person from the kingdom sees your actions they will judge your actions as that of the King as being one who makes rules and break rules and they themselves will either place you as one who opposes the King or as one who represents the Kings ideals.  Your very actions place the target of the Kings back and leads people to believe you a usurper or to pursue usurping themselves.
In short these descents and different viewpoints make the house divided not be able to stand.  For given time either your actions will continue and the King will be Usurped or said conflict will claim your viewpoint and you will find yourself smashed under the machine of those of whom you disagree.
If you are having a hard time tying this back to a real day scenario or finding where it can take root in your own life lets look at it like this.  If as a son or daughter, employee, student, etc. we say I care not for your opinion on this matter and think they are wrong we are silently wishing for the death of these figures influences in our lives.  We know their ideals and what they believe and we in turn say no I' am a better authority on this matter which breeds conflict among us, them, and whoever is sitting on the sidelines and knows both of the points being made.  Imagine if every time a person had one of these kinds of conflicts the only way out was for one of them to die, would people act so quickly pursuing their own desires  or put thought to what actions their actions will spawn.  Often times when we do, do such a things it is just to make our lives more convenient for us and our quarrel is simply one of let me do what I want to do. Because of this we are ready to face the King in principles of running a land, a Professor on the information they team, a father on how best to be a man.  That is not to say all usurping is unwarranted but to say there will be a time to make our own rules and to teach our own theories, but is that time actually today? Why are we living in this persons home? Why are we taking this class? Why don't they make me a supervisor when I first start? etc.
So when living under another mans roof  one would do well to coincide their wants and desires with the master of the house unless of course they want to find themselves the master of the house with all the rules and responsibilities that go with it.  For heavy is the head that wears the crown, especially for one who wants nothing to do with the weight of it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAU

Tracking your Heartbeat

When we are born (or even before that) our heartbeat dictates how long our lives will last, for as long as we still have a heartbeat we alive.  It is that ambient noise in the background of all of our lives no matter what we are doing our heart is beating in the background.  Sure at times it may speed up and struggle to meet the capacity to which it was set while at others times it comes naturally and without strain. In thinking of your life and where you are headed in it what is your own personal heartbeat? (or the principles in which you live your life by) If something is truly ones gospel it should be as ones heartbeat, something they automatically do without putting much thought into it.  to better align ourselves with the analogy is your current heartbeat coming easy for you or is it one that strains and struggles because of how recently it took control of your life. Have you recently stopped smoking and struggle to not flat line on a daily basis or is it something you have done since you were a child etc... Where are do each of these ideals fit and how deeply rooted are they in each of us?
I would hypothesize if each and everyone one of us take a hard look at ourselves and ones supposed "morals" or "ideals" that the flatlined reality of their actions in their lives are quite different. Are you truly living up to the standards you have placed on yourself or do they become the principles and ideals that gut you because of your lack of living up to them. In my younger years I believed that I like everyone else put my family first and that I was always trying to be a good person, but as I got older I began to realize that these things which were my deepest desires were in fact nowhere near prevalent or relevant in my life.  The pursuit of happiness (or in my case to calm my own personal demons) had taken over so that I was merely trying to survive.
While attending university a professor once asked "Why is it that so few people feel happiness in their lives?".  Through time and experience I have learn that true happiness comes when ones expectation meet ones reality, and how better is this exemplified than when ones gospel coincides with ones reality.  When ones heart beat synthesizes with ones ideals they find peace of heart and mind which is great so one doesn't feel the need to pluck said heart from ones chest.  

The Cowled Crow Flies Again!!!

After over a year of not posting anything new I have decided to revisit my blog once again.  Interestingly enough my blog ended up serving a purpose I had not originally intended.  I got a job a couple of years ago at boarding school for "Troubled" teens, and part of what I did there was help out with their 12 step program and my blog post were helpful when used as readings or discussions points for the group.  So having basically left my blog to the scrap heap I have decided to revive it and bring it back from purgatory.  My blog will now serve at the very least as a place to stockpile this kind of material so I can use it as a database for the future.  Who knows maybe someone will stumble on it and find it worth a look as well.  I will begin by re-posting some of my old blogs (or maybe better describes as editing) I had to give them a bit of a face-lift because of my lack of writing prowess, though I am sure it will still offend the local grammar nazi.  While I am at it I hope the fast approaching New year finds your well and hopefully mine does too!

The Mastery of Magic

When does ones action or desires become a part of a persons being, or become them? This is a question I posed to myself in thinking of behavior modification both of others and of myself.  One of the reason this question is an interesting one is it goes back to the very essence of can a man change who they are? Can we change our base desires and shackle our very nature becoming who we desire to be rather than who we are by nature?  I think those are very important questions to ask oneself whenever a person is striving to morph themselves into a better or different version of themselves. One person once told me that it is harder to change the will of a man than to will the moving of a mountain. In many ways I think this statement is very true for ourselves and others, if we don't have the will or want to to do something then simply put we won't.  Nothing short of magic will set us from our coarse.
Through study and personal experience I know that one can change themselves down to their very nature.  This is however very difficult and takes a large amount of Will and discipline which is why very few people can  master this "Magic".  To illustrate how it is done I will use an example of the circle of mastery.  This is Merlins Three Degrees of Wizardry.

The Three Degrees of Wizardry(classes)
1. Incantation: The medium of their spell casting is speech.
2. Hand Wizards: The medium of their spell casting is gestures of the hands.
3. Will Wizard: The medium of the spell casting is thought.

Looking at these three degrees Incantation is the least skilled form of wizardry, Hand Wizards are the more skilled, and Will Wizards are the most.  This is rated in the matter of of time it takes each to cast a spell.  The Incantation wizard must recite long spells in order to cast a spell which would not be ideal when things get hairy.  The Hand Wizard simply has to do a form of movement or gesture with their hands and their magic springs to life which of coarse can be quite fast.  The highest form of wizardry is the Will Wizard which over time and practice needs only to think of a spell to cast it.
These degrees exemplify how a person can know that they have changed who they are. It all starts with a person beginning to tell themselves they want to change (speech) and letting others know as well.  Over time and after making some of the mental preparations involved in making a change the person begins doing the things which denote the change they want to make (hands).  They begin taking the actions they need to for instance if a person wanted to live a more healthy lifestyle they would first have to tell themselves of the changes they need to make(incantation) and then start making those changes (hand/action) such as exercising and eating more healthy.  This leads us to the last stage and the one in which one knows they have changed.  To use the example I gave earlier the person has decided they want to live more healthy so they decided what changes they need to make and then they put those decisions into action, then over time they begin to stop craving the unhealthy foods they used to, they begin doing the stuff without much thought or action which points to the fact that they have changed (thoughts).  Over time of doing the thing that which was so difficult in the beginning the person becomes the change that they wanted to make.  The "Magic" of it all is that it is easier said than done.  People tend to forget that all change requires work on their part.  For the caterpillar to change into a butterfly it must go through the anguish of working its way out of the cocoon it has wrapped itself in.  Finding that reason to put yourself through that pain is the spark of magic one needs to make it through the change which they seek. If they can find that reason that motivator they will realize that they are able to Master Magic.

Chasing White Rabbits

You have probably noticed that I quite enjoy Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, and that it has many lessons which can be learned from that one story when comparing it to life and the way in which people think and behave.  Therefore I have decided to do a few post outlining certain characters from the adventure and what parallels they have in the real world.  We will do this as is explained in the book" Start from the beginning and when you come to the end stop," as if there were any other way in which to examine and tell a story.

In the beginnings of the novel everything seems normal in Alice's life she seems to be an ordinary girl with ordinary thoughts and problems.  Suddenly something catches her attention, enter the White Rabbit which is one of the most discussed and misunderstood symbols in the whole story.  The white rabbit seems to Alice the perfect distraction from the cares and troubles of her everyday life.  There is nothing to peculiar nor notable about the character himself other than the anomaly of him wearing a Pocket-Watch and being late for something.  The fact that she decides to follow this rabbit to the extent that she is, tells us more about Alice then anything else and the fact that it leads her to the drama and perils of the adventure is also telling.  Alice would never have even noticed this White Rabbit if she weren't looking for it in the first place.  Moreover the rabbit wasn't looking for her but she for the rabbit, the distraction to take her away from the seriousness of life.  

The Rabbit itself is a symbol of spring which signifies change.  For we know that rabbits procreate and a fast rate and have the potential to change their population size very quickly if not kept in check.  The pocket-watch that he wears is of coarse a symbol of time and the fact that Alice is chasing a white rabbit wearing  a pocket-watch alludes to the act itself being something to fill the time.  If we further delve into the White Rabbit and what he is in the story he serves as a herald to the queen which also furthers the symbolism of him being connected to change.  For why does one chase Which Rabbits? It is because one is looking for a change in their state of mind, or even in the physical life.  The fact that the White Rabbit is late and seems to be in the state of urgency during most of the story is another telling thing, for we know that a rabbit in the real world would have no such sense of urgency except when perhaps escaping a predator.

Knowing the before mentioned symbolism of the White Rabbit and tying the two together we get a better picture of what is alluded too.  Placing importance and urgency on the distractions of life ties up time which considering how short life is is urgently needed elsewhere.  Many such things exist in our lives whether it be drugs, video-games, TV, or other manner of recreational activities which are meant more for minor distractions in life yet end up oftentimes becoming the major subject of some peoples lives. Don't get me wrong It is good to chase White Rabbits now and then but when that becomes the major focus of a life your life takes no more psychical meaning in the temporal world then a white rabbit dressed up in finery with a pocket-watch.

In life many a White Rabbits will catch your eye, yet knowing how long the chase them, and when not to at all becomes the challenge.  Until our next adventure in wonderland here's to finding that balance in our lives so they not only end up being a children's tale.

   

Fast Car to No Where

Another year has come and gone and I find myself revisiting my little nook(my blog) in which I invested so much time in the past but now needs a good dusting, and a good dusting it will get.  My blog is after-all suppose to be a place where I hoard thoughts and ideas that for whatever reason I find meaningful, and I have had many of those which I haven't shared in a good amount of time so I guess its time to step back into the fray and got to it.
I've found myself as the Tracy Chapmans song "Fast Car"  a song which has always held a special significance to me.  I think it signifies my own plight in this life well..  The song tells a story of a young woman living in the projects whom has quit school to take care of her alcoholic father.  During the song she talks of wanting to work hard to get money so she can buy a fast car and speed away from her life of poverty in the projects.  Throughout the progression of the song you see her slowly begin to submit to the life in the projects, instead of breaking the cycle her family is in, she becomes a part of that cycle.
In this song the "Fast Car" become a proverbial road to nowhere.  The I'll do it tomorrows and the lack of the right breaks in life becomes a killer of inertia that one through their hard work would have gained.  At times I find myself (as many others) putting in the work for a successful life yet not catching the breaks needed for the  pay offs one so frantically searches for.  There was a study done in which brain waves were studied and they were able to determine what a person was going to do six seconds before their bodies in fact did the act.  This makes me wonder what in those six seconds determines whether the person actually puts those thoughts into action as opposed to someone who doesn't.  Perhaps it is a "Pavlovian" response for some after a certain amount of trying yields no results. Whatever the cause of one "burning down" their old goals and sending them to the scrapheap is  of little importance  for the end result is the same.
This blog for me has become an old book lost in the back of the library which the librarian keeps in hopes that someone, will someday dust it off and give it a read.  That is of coarse the allure of writing to me is in that it is literally controlling ones thought patterns for a few moments and taking them on a journey to where you want to take them.  The journey can both be to everywhere and nowhere at all, a journey which dirties no mans boot but yet takes the same tread of their minds.  My own version of a "fast car to no where, yet somewhere nonetheless. That my friends may be clear as mud to some while a magnifying glass to others.

Finding Your Point

"A Point in every direction is the same as no point at all."(The Point)
Taking a bit of a trip down memory lane I decided to watch a cartoon which as I child I used to watch frequently "The Point" a mind product of the late Harry Nillson.  For those unfamiliar with the the story it is about a boy who is born into a world with people with pointed heads when he himself has no point.  This eventually leads him to being banished from his town into the "Pointless Forest".  During his journey through this "Pointless Forest" he comes to the understanding that everything has a point or a purpose so he must also have a "point". Upon this realization he returns home and shares his insights to the villagers of his town, upon doing so they all lose their points and he gains his own.
   Upon finishing watching this cartoon I found myself thinking about how the world always does appreciate something when they can easily decipher it's "point".  How we often determine a persons worth by determining what the persons point is to society, to history, and to us.  If a person does not conform or tick one of the before mentioned points for us their lives mean nothing to us, that is both and long and short of it.  Due to this fact I find myself struggling to see what my point is to this world, for outside of my immediate family I have very little point.  It makes it easy to see what my point is to the few I have one for, but I find myself asking what is my point to myself.  I feel I may be as a point that points in every direction which makes me have no point at all.  Life would be easy if we could simply follow an arrow at our feet and have it give us each direction, and let us know we are where we should be in our lives.  If each of us have a compass spinning inside of us perhaps finding our point to ourselves is simply picking a direction inside ourselves and following it.

Inside the Crows Nest

The Crow one of the worlds smartest animals, is known for hoarding objects inside its nest.  If one were to examine the nest of a crow one would find things which would have no rhyme nor reason being in an avian creatures nest.  A scrap of shiny metal, a piece of broken glass, toys, and knickknacks, this is because the crow as many other animals is attracted to shiny objects.  This behavior shows an uncanny sense of ownership, and also if analyzed from a survival standpoint seems a bit counterproductive for the nest is suppose to be a place of safety for the crow. Unknowingly because of its strange hobby the crow makes it's nest into a beacon to attract predators. I find myself wondering how much we as human beings also make our homes "a safe harbor from the outside world" into a beacon for predators, for crows aren't the only ones who find themselves attracted to shiny objects.
Our own uncanny sense of ownership in a very real sense does become a beacon to not only predators, but the darkest parts of our own nature.  This concept is easy to comprehend from a predator standpoint, for those with the nicest houses and most expensive adornments become thieves fodder and are the most desired targets.  Taking this deeper than just the superficial and cosmetic, taking this to our own personal "nests" in which we ourselves reside, "our minds" it becomes a whole different creature.  What Shiny objects have we surrounded ourselves with? What shiny objects have we brought home and made part of us which make us beacons for predators, toes in the door of our minds for darkness? Nothing is more telling than the nest in which we roost.  

The Grey Walker

I have decided to re-visit my post which was called "Those Who Walk the Grey" to further elaborate on that topic.  The reason for this was not just to update my picture which I have done to better exemplify the idea being shared, but also because I have been seeing this premise show it's head in more aspects of my life.  In the war between good evil there seems to be more then simply piety needed, but an ample understanding of the darkness and what it the nature of it is.  As one who has studied psychology I can tell you that there is much peril to gain an understanding of the inner workings of them who both wrought and have touched evil.  To understand the darkness that dwells in others one must venture that darkness themselves. That is not to insinuate that to understand a heroine addict the person trying to help them must try heroine, but  that their mind must touch much of what the mind that used the heroine has touched.  To help the individual overcome the psychological need for their behavior one must in-turn sully their own hands to pull those that dwell in darkness toward the light.  Becoming a mediator of that which is needed one must find the middle ground of the individual to find who they in fact are underneath all that which can be perceived by the naked eye.  One must find the whites and grays of the individual to see what led them to the black.  Their base need and desire which led them into the dark places in the first place.
The one who walks the grey will be perceived often times as black by those who think themselves white and white by those who think themselves black so that their touch will have significance on them.  Showing those that walking darkness the light, and showing those in the light where they touch the shadows.  For in this land which men would paint in black and white, there are no such colors of men only varying shades of grey.  No non-subjective truths nor provable lies for the universe is vast and our minds narrow.  So I must walk the grey finding virtue in those who have lost it and immorality in those who see themselves as moral.  Sully my hands so that others can forsake the dirt. For in a world of black and whites one must walk the grey.

Spinal Tap My Brain Freeze

It has been a long time since I have wrote anything, on this blog or otherwise.  There have been several times in which I sat down and started trying to write something and have been unable to do so.  It has almost been as if my brain has been totally burned out of all its creative juices.  Many things  I suppose could have been attributed to it, life as of late has come at me pretty hard. Admittedly I have found myself at a big lack of motivation to do so also, probably attributed to the fact that it hard to write things for others when your pretty sure nobody is reading it, which I know is contrary to what I said was my original reason for writing it.    I have also been "Going Poe" on myself as of late due to my lack of grammatical prowess , I find simple ridicules mistakes when I read my  own writing so I am sure others have done the same and been scared off while reading my blog.  As of late however I have been looking for an outlet and a place to organize my thoughts once again.  Therefore, I shall redouble my efforts and begin once again to write in this blog whilst remembering my original reason for writing the blog in the first place.
For my first blog back I have decided to sit down and elaborate a little on why I think my brain has been frozen whenever I sit down to write a blog.  In thinking on this subject  I find myself first turning towards the fact that as of late I find myself bogged down in many left brain activities.  The "Left" side of the brain is of coarse the side of the brain that controls logic, and reason. Though the left side of the brain is quite often the side in which the world is most focused on and seems most worried about it does very little to promote the creative thought one which my logic is organized when writing.  A balanced use of both sides of my brain has always been something I have prided myself on, which unfortunately has been a luxury I cannot afford.  The rigors of being a parent with two children under the age of four with house, financial, and altruistic worries has retarded my creativity.  The brain like any muscle may atrophy if it is not appropriately exercised.  This lack of exercise has left the right brain(if one doesn't know which right brain in-tales one  should see the diagram at the bottom of this blog).
To give my brain a bit of a spinal tap I have spent a big portion of my day drawing and exercising that side of my brain.  I have even given myself to start writing things with my left hand instead of my write to make sure I use every opportunity to release the ice and muck from my brain.  I find my life has more color and meaning when I strive to balance myself and now I find myself not only having things to write about but motivated to do so.  So if you find yourself in a similar situation or even just a bit of a rut I would take this opportunity to give your Brain Freeze a Spinal Tap.

    

Bigots Against Bigotry

Life in our society can be very interesting, with so much social turmoil present in so many different facets of our life whether it be religion, government, or science.  Tolerance is a word that everyone turns too thinking that all of the worlds problems would be solved if people were more tolerant of others. When people tell others to be more tolerant  however, deep down they really aren't wishing for tolerance they are thinking the world would be better if people were more tolerant towards me and my beliefs.  For why would they be preaching for others to be tolerant if they themselves hadn't already decided they couldn't tolerate the intolerance?
As you grow more and experience more life you come to realize that people all have very different motivations and backgrounds which lead to differences in opinion, wherein to obtain a world with so called "perfect" tolerance it would have to be one without beliefs and individuals. Logically for a world with perfect tolerance to work the world itself would lose its diversity and everyone would conform to a certain universal belief system or no belief system at all.   The reason for this is we live a world of right and wrongs, and that is not just in a religious aspect. As infants from the moments we gain our senses we start learning and deciding the "rights" and "wrongs" of life in learning or how the world works and how we ourselves are suppose to interact with this world.
In other words while living in a world of good and evil, of rights and wrongs, perfect tolerance cannot be obtain unless one decides to not take a stand for either or admits that neither exist.
 Our life experiences are so different and varied that of coarse each individual is going to have different beliefs on what is "right" even without religion, government, or science.  Because of this fact I find myself struck with a profound sense of irony when you see pictures of people holding signs labeling others as bigots when they themselves are participating in a form of bigotry against another belief.  We can tolerate only as much as our own tolerance allows, which makes it a folly goal to try to preach tolerance.  Instead we should teach RESPECT, respect for others and respect for ourselves.  If we respect peoples ability to be an individual, there is no level of tolerance which can be surpassed, but a common standard for everyone.  One cannot always agree with or tolerate the actions and thoughts of another, but one can always respect another.  In that way we wont have those participating in the oxymoron of decided they cannot tolerate what they see as injustices any longer preaching tolerance, and people who have decided to label another a bigot because of their own bigotries.