The Darkness and Silence that Precedes it...

I recently had a video posted to my facebook wall that let darkness back into my soul, a kind of darkness that I haven't experienced in a long time.  The video was of a child(or better called a baby) about 2 years old playing outside in some Asian country when a man just walks up to the poor thing and starts stomping on the child and beating the child, this last for over 2 minutes with passers by just walking past and doing nothing.  This child was being killed by this evil individual and no one does anything.  After a few minutes someone finally chases the guy off and the child is rushed to the hospital where I am imagining it died (I don't see how it could have survived the beating).

This disturbing video brought me to tears and made me wish I could have been there to kill the guy who did it and to help save the child.  Worse yet I could not get the scene out of my mind and it kept repeating itself over and over again in my mind.  An innocent child doing what children do comes into contact with something so evil that just shatters the beauty and promise of that child.  I thought at first it disturbed me most because of the fact that I have an Asian wife and my children are half Asian and the parallels with my own children. Now that there is some distance between myself and the emotions I was feeling I found the real reason the darkness would not leave me.

Some years ago I was a Missionary and me and the another Missionary were out walking in a neighborhood at dusk when we came across a stray puppy.  It was a little black lab puppy so we picked it up and took it to the closest couple of homes asking if it was their dog.  After a few houses we found the house it belonged to and we left it (or so we thought) it kept following us.   No matter how hard we tried it wouldn't return home and it had caught up to us about a quarter of a mile away from the home so we decided to start walking it back.  After about 5 minutes of walking when a jacked up beater truck came barreling out way.   The truck nearly hit me and my companion we managed to get out of the way but the little puppy did not.  It gasped for breath, its broken body shattered as it gasped to breath its last breaths, this once beautiful creature reduced to nothing but a broken shell dead on the concrete.  As we crowded in to look at it in shock the driver hopped out of his car reeking of alcohol and worried that he had hit someone.  We pulled the now dead puppy to the side of the road and went and told the owners. 

That scene was a domino that tripped a series of others events that would lead to my eventual for lack of a better description psychotic break, a break caused by the depths of depression.  Something about being an Missionary trying to help people escape from evil, and having something so pure and beautiful as a puppy just destroyed by someones evil actions just wrecked all naivety I had and taught me how truly evil the world is that we live in.   It is this dark finger that crept back in after watching the video, the evil and darkness that pulled me back to the mindset I had clawed myself out of all those years earlier.

It was in the suffering and pain I was feeling that I found something, something I would never have found otherwise.  I won't go into to much of particulars about it but I was with my family and still feeling the brunt of the feelings I had from the video.  The day before  I had watched a documentary at my job about quantum physics/ mechanics and we went to watch Kung Fu Panda III( I know how silly that sounds)at the theater. It was there that it happened in pondering about the three things combined in that theater it happened.  In a moment of clarity it was as if the veil was pushed back and I saw the threads of the universe and how they were all connected and how God factors into all of it.  I found tears flowing down my cheek now this time for a different reason, this time because of the beauty of what I saw the hands of God, the purpose in full, I was taught things which  I will not write here, nor am I sure that I could explain them in a way that they would make sense to anyone else. 

I write this not to teach of the things I saw but of the how it came about, and how I had to fight with that evil, inner darkness, and torment to lead me to that moment to that plane of conscientiousness in which I learned things that will forever changed my life.  I know everyone experiences the darkness, the voices which don't leave you alone in the silence.  As me those of you going through it would wonder why me? why must I endure these things? Maybe your not just enduring these things your just experiencing such darkness because of the brightness of the clarity that follows.  

   

Building Spirit House

Why build a Spirit House?

A spirit house is a relaxation/meditative exercise which help calm and focus the individual who chooses to.  Its application is primarily to help a person maintain a calm temperament while oftentimes combating insomnia or difficult sleep.  Once a person has mastered accessing and maintaining their Spirit House their interaction within its pallet can be deciphered and analyzed to help a person find problems which face them in the everyday life. 

1.     Establish a Zone of Focus.

There are two ways to gain the focus needed to do a spirit house one being Focus Meditation the other being vivid visualization.  Focus Meditation is the easier of the two to ensure you have established the proper focus.  When Doing Focus Meditation once outside distractions and thoughts are centered you have established the proper focus and you may proceed.  If you are an individual who can Achieve Vivid Visualization you can also get and maintain the focus from the focusing on simple thoughts or images in your mind that outside stimulus no longer draws you out.

Ground Rules:  The best way to meditate is finding your best time.  When are you less likely to be interrupted by outside distractions? Many people find that this is either before bed or right when you wake up.  Being able to achieve focus is paramount for this exercise and it is a skill not an inborn talent, it takes time so it is recommended that you practice meditation for a few weeks before you take your Spirit House Journey.

2.     How To Know You’re in the Zone.

One achieves a Zone of focus when outside distractions no longer distract the individual from thought.  This process can take anywhere from a couple of minutes to even hours depending on the circumstances and how practiced the individual trying to achieve it is. When in the Zone you receive tunnel vision you stop having to put effort to blank your mind or in the case of Visualization achieve the un-tempered vision. For instance if one is in the Zone a distraction could arise and do nothing to pull the individual from his center or whatever thought or vision he has is having.

3.     Finding Your Spirit House.

After finding your focus you begin the visualization.  You will first need to visualize your idea of what the most relaxing beautiful place you can think of.  Think of specific senses what does it smell like, what’s the temperature, etc.  Try to stimulate each of your senses in the area.  After you have a good grasp of what your relaxing area you are ready to find your spirit house.  It will be somewhere in this relaxing place as you begin to explore you will come across it first begin at a distance taking steps forward slowly as long as the house is in focus take a step forward.  If for whatever reason you can’t visualize details stop and focus on the house until it comes back into focus.  If you have ventured the while and are unable to find it you may need to build one or try to visualize a new area there are several different ways to go about it try what your most comfortable with.  Another thing you need to keep telling yourself ”this house is me”  more often than not it ends up being a “distressed” house rundown or appears vacant.  Because of this one of you first orders of business will be to fix or repair portions which are in need of repair.  Another thing that helps is to use natural laws while this in this land anything can be possible it is important to ground it in reality to make to feel more “real” to you. 

As you get to you house notice the door is it open? What is the state of the house? Be cautious as you approach try the door if it’s locked you will have to find a way in.  If it’s wide open it is inviting you in and you should take a look.    Congratulations you have arrived at the beginning of your spirit house journey now is the time to view Ground Rules for your spirit house.

4.     Time at Your Spirit House.

Ground Rules (Important)

While at your spirit house it is important to remember that while anything is possible in this realm it is important not to be playing with symbols.   For instance much like the real world one should not play with fire both metaphorically and literally.  Maintain your foot in the real for this to work it must reflect what your subconscious views as you so don’t be placing things that don’t belong.  The more time you spend at your Spirit house you will realize that it will set ground rules for you.  There will be doors that won’t open, parts of the house which lack focus and you must help build or focus into existence etc.  You will begin to realize that whole place has certain rules which it wants you to abide by.  For instance if you come to a locked door you shouldn’t just try to break it down but look around for a key each and every aspect of the house like this under which you have no control don’t force your will onto it let it come naturally.  It will also let you know what task it wants you to fulfill first.  These tasks will be symbolic of things in your life that need to be done, or commented on.  Sometimes to further your progression in your spirit house you may need to do things in the real world, one can never be fully certain. 

Another important point to be brought to focus is one should find a point within the house once they make it in to be your access point to your spirit house.  For instance mine was the chair in front of the fireplace that is the place or part of the house I would visualize to regain access to my house.  That view from my chair in front of the fire place was my focal point and what I would bring into focus to gain access to the house.  Once you have got you vision back you can go back to exploring your house or doing your chores.   Don’t be surprised if when you come back to your house you find something new waiting for you.  Take note of these and remember them so when you finish you can write them down. 

5.     Maintaining your focus.

The best way to stay attached in your Spirit House and to make it an enjoyable affair is to live in the moment.  Treat it like a dream don’t force it or analyze it just let your interactions come natural.  Try not to stress about a door not opening or the spiders that have infested it that is all something you can do once you leave your house.  When you feel yourself drifting go back to menial tasks to keep you present.  For instance my roof had a leaking problem so I would spend long periods of time thatching the roof.  I don’t know what it was about that activity but it relaxed me in very deeps ways while also reinforcing my vision of my spirit house.   Remember the first and most important aspect of the spirit house if for it to be a relaxing activity for you.

6.     Keeping a Spirit House Journal

The Spirit house Journal is very important because it is a way for you to catalog what happens in the house and chronicle it in the real world.  It also provides a platform for you to problems solve with things that arise in your spirit house, how should I rid my house of the ant infestation, what’s the proper way to fix this creaking chair, etc.  and you can take it back and be better prepared the next time.  This journal is also a way to think of symbolism and the parallels they make to your waking life.  The emotions you feel in the world and symbols along with the emotions all have real world applications.  For instance why is it spiders infesting my house instead of some other animal.  Why can’t I stop thatching my roof? What comments are being made about my waking life? etc,

 These are the basics good luck with your spirit house journey! Enjoy!

Finding Spirit House

Several years back I stumbled upon something amazing, a form of meditation that combines the relaxing focus of meditation while enter-twining dream analysis/ vivid visualization.  I say stumbled upon because it was literally something that just happened due to the circumstances of my life. In writing this down I hope that it can benefit others as it has benefited me and help me make it through some tough times in my life.
To better understand the concept of Spirit House one must understand some of the circumstances of my life at the time it showed itself to me.  At the time I was doing my first and second year of college studying psychology and I had just gotten a very stressful job (working with anti-social teens).  My wife and I were expecting and finances were low, in so much that we were using my student loans to pay to bills.  To not go into too great detail I will just say it was one of the most stressful times of my life.
It was during this time that I was practicing some focus meditation which I had just learned and I had found that it was most helpful before bed.  I was also spending most of my mental journey writing a fantasy novel I had been dreaming up for years.  Because of my work an the many stresses I had, I had high anxiety levels and had troubles falling to sleep at night.  To help with that I would do some focus meditation and then after I had felt in more of a state of calm I began dreaming up the fantasy world of my book.  This did a little to help me with my stress it was when I got to specific part of my book that it happened.
In my book  I had a character which I mirrored after myself and I had gotten to a point in the book that he had come across a derelict house in the woods that he was going to claim as his own.  I would imagine myself as this alter ego of myself and set about the process of acquiring said house and making it my own.  It was in doing this starting with the focus meditation I found a great state of relaxation.  Every night when I got home I would do the same thing and though I had figured out that portion of the story I felt myself drawn back to this cabin in the woods.  In so doing I found I slept better and my stress levels began subsiding more as well.
I never understood what was so appealing about me going back to this house every night and why i felt so drawn to it, I just knew it worked it helped me sleep at night and helped with my stress.  It wasn't until I started taking a class about dream theory that I realized the full significance of what was happening. If one knows how dreams work, they are basically one being able to see to processes of the mind de-fragmenting itself and storing its thought and memories in their proper place and it does so through symbolism a symbol, within a symbol, within a symbol. I came to the realization that the house in my dreamlike meditation and visualization was in fact me, and my mind was commenting on my own life through the different chores and things I experienced while I was visiting there before sleep.
This may seem silly, or like I am up in the night, however through analyzing the different scenes and things that happened in this dream world I have found that my life itself and followed the lines which were revealed to me in this meditative state.  Something I had first used as a form of coping and stress relief in my life had in fact turned into something more deep and meaningful than I had thought it would and I attribute much of my current mental health to that process and what it did for me.  Through building my spirit house my life and my emotions seam to all come into balance.

To Fall Off the Worlds Edge

  There comes a moment in your life where one feels they have traveled to the edge of their known universe.  In scientific theory the universe is continually expanding and receding only to expand past its original limits and to recede to its previous limits in a series of explosions and and implosions.  Our own personal universes don't seem to always replicate those found in nature for there comes times in life where you feel the once permeable surface of your divine potential feel as though they have solidified and your upward trending potential seems replaced by a ceiling or mantle in which one most fit their lives and dreams.  At this point in your life you begin to see how finite your time on this planet will be and how your cannot achieve every goal or ambition you have in your life.
   It is in these times that that old familiar call of depression calls me back along the known paths of life to see if their is anything I have missed along my journey thus making lose the scent of the new trail which leads forward.  The crack or plant you have never noticed on the daily trips of your journey which focused on leads to a new understanding and wonder in a life stuck in ones known universe.  Looking for an escape from this path I feel tethered too my universe begins to turn dark, and leads me to waiting to fall off my worlds edge.  Will there be a new experience for me, a new feeling to define, a new thought to enlighten, or am I just to tread on paths which I have already tread experiencing things I have already experienced.

   As an old European explorer is that where my map ends and there is nothing outside of that but to fall off the edge or to be gobbled up by the dragons and demons which keep any from progressing further than that point.  What will be the explosion to jar these trapped universes free to expand and implode the change that a mind can match its wits with and grow all the more stronger.  One thing is certain for me I will be looking for those new horizons or unexplored ends of the existing universe.  Hopefully then the universe and existence decides to expand once again for me leaving cracks for some new dreams to seep through and save me from being left to my own devices

A Bridge Once Burned

  " One should never burn bridges they one day might need to cross over".  If every action one performs can be an interpreted as a symbol of what they want or how they want to be perceived, what is the act of burning a bridge to be interpreted as? Symbolically and its use in the English language it draws on the burning of ones kingdoms route to another kingdom. Cutting off all forms of trade and diplomacy between them.   In actual practice it is an act of vanity or maybe better described as one of pride, one individual decides that for whatever reason, or for whatever slight they will purposefully put that relationship to the flame.  A strange practice in terms of active trade and barter reality the relationship was one at one point that worked well enough so that the two kingdoms or two parties set forth to build the bridge linking their kingdoms in the first place.  For one to decide to do so (build the bridge) they must have decided their relationship was mutually beneficial enough for both parties to link their fates together. Then to later burn said relationship to the ground and sullying not just your trade agreements, but the memories of the individual and how they helped you in the past seems strange.
    From a pure logic standpoint it seems counterproductive for one to burn a perfectly good bridge that they might someday find themselves needing to cross back over to avoid the cliffs and gullies of life.   Logic however isn't often a strong point of the ever emotional mankind and we let out our personal feelings and ideals dictate how we interact in the world and those around us.   We must at times set fire to those bridges to prove the point that we won't be treated such and such way. Which is a bit silly for the one we are teaching that lesson too will be the only one that learns our standpoint and they are cut out of our lives.  No one else benefits from such actions and often times not even ourselves.  Upon thinking about this and coming to this realization I have come to the policy of abandoning bridges instead of setting them to the flame.  Sure they may decay and not be as sound as they were when they were first constructed, but any explorer can tell you when traversing rugged terrain you would rather come across an old overgrown bridge to pass over than the smoldering remains of a bridge long past burned. Coming across this bridge on must do the work to reconstruct it or you to have to traverse the full terrain to get to your destinations and goals in life.  

Falling Through Our Cracks

  Have you ever had a day in which you where so pent up that you felt you where going to explode, that happened to me today.  In my life I am almost always being disrespected, whether directly or indirectly and it hit me really hard today.  In life you are either a giver or taker and in every relationship it is the same, I almost always end up becoming the giver in every one of my relationships which has wore on me very bad at times in my life.  Add onto that the stresses and rigors of parenthood and having to be the responsible one all the time so that others can live their life relatively unencumbered, in a way "makes jack a dull boy".  Pessimism also being one of my strong suits doesn't help the situation much, the very thing which gives me my "Super Powers" being able to detect problems and potential situations in others when turned inward rips me apart.
  It is this inner  battle that led me to what I count as one of my biggest successes of my adult life. There was a time in my life (as in many others lives as well) when it was time either to break and be broken or break free from your broken self.  At this time I had felt defeated and spent my nights crying myself to sleep, I remember the moment vividly when it all started to change I remember the thought coming into my head "I can't keep living like this" and that something needed to change.  I don't remember it being a mental choice it was just something that started happening I began scrapping and clawing myself out of the hole of depression I had been digging for the 10 years of my life before that.  It took years to get back to where I was at a place that I could say that my mental health was in normal ranges.
  Looking back on it now I feel as a man standing over their foe they battled for what felt like an eternity victorious and had cast that foe down at my feet with my arms raised the victor.  This is something I can always draw on when times get tough a kind of affirmation that you've done it once you can do it again. It is clear to me know that I had a mental break in the moment what is unclear to me is what part of me broke and did that break make me more sane or just cut off pieces of me that feel.  What is for certain though it was this battle and being the victor that made me the man I am today.  In thinking back on these memories I am reminded of lyrics from a 3 Days Grace song" If you can't stand the way this place is, Break Away to Higher Places."

My House Divided

"A house divided cannot stand," a quote from Abraham Lincoln ( a biblical reference I believe) and a good one at that.  I was thinking about his quote the other day and I found myself realizing the truth of it runs deep to the very foundation of all society.  The biblical reference for it mostly goes back to a man cannot serve two masters for eventually one will win out, when looking at it from a household standpoint it paints a much different picture.  It basically means your ideals and intention should align with whoever the head of your household is or your will one day find yourself a usurper to the thrown or being out of said household.   A good way to paint this picture is to think of mid-evil times when the head of the house (if you were royalty or a lord) literally lead the kingdom in which you live.  Let's say that you were the son or daughter of the King but you didn't agree with some of the rules and practices of the kingdom.  If you decided to voice your opinion to others whether they agree with you are not you are going to cause descent in the kingdom even if you never had a mind to challenge the King. In the minds of those you voiced said opinion to you have already done so they have already decided whether they follow you or your father in this stance.  
In contrast lets say you decided to take a different approach and instead of saying anything about the King and the rules of which you disagree you hold your tongue and go when outside the castle walls and break the rules with which you do not agree.  If any person from the kingdom sees your actions they will judge your actions as that of the King as being one who makes rules and break rules and they themselves will either place you as one who opposes the King or as one who represents the Kings ideals.  Your very actions place the target of the Kings back and leads people to believe you a usurper or to pursue usurping themselves.
In short these descents and different viewpoints make the house divided not be able to stand.  For given time either your actions will continue and the King will be Usurped or said conflict will claim your viewpoint and you will find yourself smashed under the machine of those of whom you disagree.
If you are having a hard time tying this back to a real day scenario or finding where it can take root in your own life lets look at it like this.  If as a son or daughter, employee, student, etc. we say I care not for your opinion on this matter and think they are wrong we are silently wishing for the death of these figures influences in our lives.  We know their ideals and what they believe and we in turn say no I' am a better authority on this matter which breeds conflict among us, them, and whoever is sitting on the sidelines and knows both of the points being made.  Imagine if every time a person had one of these kinds of conflicts the only way out was for one of them to die, would people act so quickly pursuing their own desires  or put thought to what actions their actions will spawn.  Often times when we do, do such a things it is just to make our lives more convenient for us and our quarrel is simply one of let me do what I want to do. Because of this we are ready to face the King in principles of running a land, a Professor on the information they team, a father on how best to be a man.  That is not to say all usurping is unwarranted but to say there will be a time to make our own rules and to teach our own theories, but is that time actually today? Why are we living in this persons home? Why are we taking this class? Why don't they make me a supervisor when I first start? etc.
So when living under another mans roof  one would do well to coincide their wants and desires with the master of the house unless of course they want to find themselves the master of the house with all the rules and responsibilities that go with it.  For heavy is the head that wears the crown, especially for one who wants nothing to do with the weight of it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAU

Tracking your Heartbeat

When we are born (or even before that) our heartbeat dictates how long our lives will last, for as long as we still have a heartbeat we alive.  It is that ambient noise in the background of all of our lives no matter what we are doing our heart is beating in the background.  Sure at times it may speed up and struggle to meet the capacity to which it was set while at others times it comes naturally and without strain. In thinking of your life and where you are headed in it what is your own personal heartbeat? (or the principles in which you live your life by) If something is truly ones gospel it should be as ones heartbeat, something they automatically do without putting much thought into it.  to better align ourselves with the analogy is your current heartbeat coming easy for you or is it one that strains and struggles because of how recently it took control of your life. Have you recently stopped smoking and struggle to not flat line on a daily basis or is it something you have done since you were a child etc... Where are do each of these ideals fit and how deeply rooted are they in each of us?
I would hypothesize if each and everyone one of us take a hard look at ourselves and ones supposed "morals" or "ideals" that the flatlined reality of their actions in their lives are quite different. Are you truly living up to the standards you have placed on yourself or do they become the principles and ideals that gut you because of your lack of living up to them. In my younger years I believed that I like everyone else put my family first and that I was always trying to be a good person, but as I got older I began to realize that these things which were my deepest desires were in fact nowhere near prevalent or relevant in my life.  The pursuit of happiness (or in my case to calm my own personal demons) had taken over so that I was merely trying to survive.
While attending university a professor once asked "Why is it that so few people feel happiness in their lives?".  Through time and experience I have learn that true happiness comes when ones expectation meet ones reality, and how better is this exemplified than when ones gospel coincides with ones reality.  When ones heart beat synthesizes with ones ideals they find peace of heart and mind which is great so one doesn't feel the need to pluck said heart from ones chest.